constantly puts me down he picks apart every part of me my looks how stupid he thinks I am my kids, points out how beautiful other women are. asked me if I would share him and when I get mad he says he is just kidding and that on top of being his girlfriend I am his “buddy” and he should be able to talk to me like that. He talks to his ex-wife everyday and is always telling how great their relationship is and what ever she wants or needs he will drop everything to do for her. We have been together for a little over a year and he says he loves me but how can that even be possible when he is so horrible to me I do not uncerstand!!
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leave him. he should never talk to you that way. and when people say something and than say im just kidding 95% of it is fact. you can keep getting hurt everyday or leave him and find a good loving guy that will treat you nice.
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Why are you still with him?
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I have left him and he begged me to give him another chance he told me he loved me but he is right back to the same behavior.
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do not go back to the abuse and all the hurting. dont look back.
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I don't want it I want a man who loves ME and makes me feel safe and special.
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Stop believing what he says, and start paying attention to what he does. Actions speak louder than words, after all. Is he ACTING like he loves you?
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As hard as it is to leave a relationship, this stuff he puts you through is mental abuse that you don't need. Are any of the kids his? It's really hard when you have kids---but seriously, it's not worth feeling down when a person is the reason you feel that way.
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first off... THIS IS A BAD SITUATION TO BE IN... i am a 10 year domestic violence survivor... and again.. i will tell my story to another comment about this... THIS IS THE BEGINING... it starts off with everything that you are talking about.. from the little nit pick names that he calls you.. to the demeaning of your very existence.. if you stay.. you will soon begin to learn that every word that he says about you.. to you.. is the truth... and believe the horrible truth that he says.. DO NOT LISTEN TO IT... IT IS NOTHING BUT A WAY TO CONTROL YOU... it is not the truth... he is doing this to make you believe all this bulls*it so that you will feel soooooo low that all the while he is out living his life.. you are home feeling sorry for yourself... believing that you are not worth the crap on the bottom of his shoes.... this is the begining.. then you wont be allowed to go anywhere... and the real abuse will begin.... PLEASE... GET OUT NOW!!! you are soooo much better than this... DO NOT BELIEVE ANY OF THE CRAP THAT HE IS SAYING TO YOU.. they are just words... it has taken me 4 years of being away from all of this to learn that i am better than that... in which.. im still learning... and it is hard to hear the words of people that say that im a good person.. to hear that i am all this good stuff.. when for sooo long... i was made to believe otherwise... please... do not stay in this situation... if he and his ex wife get along so well... then let them be... he is not worth your self esteeme... please... get out now!!! respect yourself.... because he will NEVER CHANGE EXCEPT FOR THE WORSE...
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LOVE DOES NOT HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is something i was told and i now live by....
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That is funny that you say he will abuse me because one weekend he and I were going to a party and my son asked me if I had pepper spray and I said "NO why?" and he said to me "because one day he is going to hi you I know it" I was shocked by what he said and told him I did not believe that he would ever hit me but since that day I can not forget what my son said how did you get the strength to leave?
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PLEASE READ MY STORY... GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE.... www.myspace.com/missing_my_children im serious... please take a look!!!!!!
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because i was given the words of the state... your husband or your children... a beating is easier to take then leaving... sounds dumb.. but when you are in those shoes.. leaving is the hardest thing in the world to do.... you are scared... you are scared for your safety.. for your children.. a lot of fear that you have comes from all the crap that was pushed into your brain.. you feel as if you cant make it... so i stayed.. until i was forced to leave.. my children were worth more than my fears... so i left..
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anon, are you gonna listen? I am in a good mood, and do not want to bring myself down wasting breath on someone who will not see. and I do not want my friends to do this either. you leave him..simple..
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if you are not going to think of yourself... think of your son!!!! if you really take the time to read my story.. you will understand what i am talking about... so please.. read it...
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You know what he is not in love with you, He puts you down because he hates himself. he knows that you are in love with him that is why he behaves the way he does. I bet you if you leave this guy and start dating again he will try to do anything in his power to get you back, why because he cannot bare to see you with another man. I should know i went through the same thing.
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You know what he is not in love with you, He puts you down because he hates himself. he knows that you are in love with him that is why he behaves the way he does. I bet you if you leave this guy and start dating again he will try to do anything in his power to get you back, why because he cannot bare to see you with another man. I should know i went through the same thing. absolutely... i moved my kids and i 6 hours away... 40 miles from canada... wishing now that i went that extra 40 miles.. because he found us...
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I did read your story and I am going to listen. I do not want to live like this spending everyday on pins and needles trying to do everything in my power to make him happy and having it NEVER br good enough I don't care what I do it is wrong I am stupid I am ugly I am fat. Every woman wants him and I should be grateful that he is with me it is so much pressure and it is too much to take I fell worhtless all the time, hurt and scared!!!
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I did read your story and I am going to listen. I do not want to live like this spending everyday on pins and needles trying to do everything in my power to make him happy and having it NEVER br good enough !you said it ... and it will never change.. except by getting worse... thankyou for listening... it gives me goosebumps.. because being in that situation.. it is the hardest thing to do... as i said before... to leave.... in my case.. no one knew... the bruises were all hidden... and i was not able to tell anyone... not even family.. however.. now.. my family wishes that they knew.. they would have helped me... so i suggest.. tell anyone.. tell everyone... they will help you.... i wish you the best of luck.. and please remember the words... LOVE DOES NOT HURT.... great big hugs.. if you need someone to talk too... i have msn messenger.... lil_bit_shie(at)hotmail(dot)com.... get in touch... lots of hugs... and wishes...
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That is so funny that you said no one knew because no one knows how he treats me everyone thinks he is the greatest guy but in private he is not that guy at all! He treats me like a dog and everyone else like gold! WHY?
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That is so funny that you said no one knew because no one knows how he treats me everyone thinks he is the greatest guy but in private he is not that guy at all! He treats me like a dog and everyone else like gold! WHY? because you are his "slave".. by that.. it means that even though he shows you that you are nothing but crap... you actually help him by giving him the mind set that he is great.. because he can belittle you.... my exhusband was like that too... he was a great actor... of course they dont want others to see what they are really like.. because then... people would be concerned.. people would try to help you escape... and that is something he doesnt want to happen.. because he needs you to make him feel better about himself...
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can you believe that my ex husband actually classified himself "to be greater than god".... his words.. not mine... because they are sick...
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You know what you need to tell youself i am not gonna let this man control my life. Stand up for youself running away from it wont help, it will just make matters alot worst. He treats you the way he does because he is insecure with himself. I wont tell you to leave him that is your decision but i advice you to stand up to him tell him no more.
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why do women allow this to happen? no offense, but it seems so..self defeating. why, why , why..and then, why, knowing it happens, do other women let it happen too? freaky... and makes me wonder who the sick ones really are..please do not hate me for saying that.
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if you actually sit down with the ex wife... you will see that he use to treat her the same way... i can be my life on it.. because i have found that he treats his new girlfriend the same way... but.. i did get my revenge... the day i left him.. i ran his *** over with my car... he said that i wasnt allowed to go.. wasnt allowed to leave and stood in front of my car.... well i guess i showed him... now didnt i??? if i could rewind and do it again... OH HELL YEAH... I WOULD...
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why do women allow this to happen? no offense, but it seems so..self defeating.why, why , why..and then, why, knowing it happens, do other women let it happen too?freaky...and makes me wonder who the sick ones really are..please do not hate me for saying that. ITS NOT A CHOICE... it doesnt start off like this.. for the first bit of the relationship.. he is just like a normal person with his signifigant other... lovable.. ect... once he knows that you are into him.. such as... with me... he didnt change until after i was married and expecting our son... HE CHANGED... and it was a slllloooowwww change... at first you believe the appologies... the reasons behind why.... until it gets worse but by then.. your self esteeme has already been altered by him... and there is this feeling of worthlessness... and not having any option but to stay... there is sooo much more to the reasons behind it then what people can realize... its not because we want to stay.... and it doesnt just happen over night...
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That is exactly how it happens at first they are nice caring attentive loving and then they start to get angry over little things and making you think it is your fault they are so mad and then come the put downs and pointing out every flaw you have make you so insecure you are almost paralyzed so you try harder to make him happy because you remember how good he used to be to you and he is so good to everyone else so it must be your fault so you keeo trying and he keeps kisking you down for it and the circle goes round and round. That is how it happened in my situation anyway. I keep trying to find that prince charming he lured me in with.
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yup yup... let me tell you a little story here... to show just how it goes... by the last 4 years of marriage.. i thought i was seriously going insane... he would tell me to do the dishes... mop.. and fold laundry... (which i would always keep the house clean because i knew if i didnt.. i would get it..) however.. i would start the dishes... he would yell.. i told you to mop, do the dishes then the laundry.... so i would stop doing the dishes.. start to mop.. and he would come and scream.. no no no.. i told you to fold laundry.. do the dishes and then mop... DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I WENT TO A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PROGRAM... THERE IS A REAL DISORDER FOR THIS???? ON HIS PART!!!! I THOUGHT ALL THOSE YEARS THAT I WAS GOING INSANE.... AND TO FIND OUT... I WASNT... THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A REAL NAME FOR THIS...
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And when you leave him he'll turn into that prince charming again and try to win you back. Mine still trying, trying to make me think I'm a cruel and insensitive devil and he's a martyr. YES!!!!!!!! its called control!!!! and the problem isnt with us... the problem is them... and its sick!!! the sad thing is.. when you are in that situation.. you dont see it.. you believe it is really you...
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when you are in that situation.. you dont see it.. you believe it is really you… That is so true because all of my friends when I tell them the are like wow I would never guess that I sould never put up with that but when it is happening to you it is gradual that by the time you start realizing it your self worht is in the gutter and you don't know where to turn I have lost all of my friends because of him he literally consumes my whole life sometimes I feel like I can not breath it is smothering and almost like drowning you keep trying to make it to the surface but it always seems just out of reach. I spend most of my day feeling worthless and not loved and lonely!!!!! Isolation is not a pleasant place.
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listen.. and the sad thing is... because of this.. it will take a long time for you to feel as though you are worth friendships.. that you are worth more than what you are being shown by him.. i have been gone for 4 years.. and i still am not back to where i should be.. always second guessing everything i do... when my boyfriend seems a little distance... i think its me.. and i cry inside.. because i thought i did something... and the only thing is .. he was tired... its pretty sad... that even though im out of that situation.. it still affects me today... thank god.. i have found a man who treats me like a princess... even though i find myself being that toad still... and another sad thing is.. i was beat by my parents... and in my class for domestic violence.. i found that by this.. it showed me that through my life.. i was suppose to be treated like this.. making it the reason that it was ok by him... to treat me like that... i now suffer from clincal depression and have to take meds for the rest of my life over this... and it sucks... because i can not be me... and im always scared to be ..... ME.... because of his actions... if i could turn back time... i would have said kiss my @ss, i dont deserve it.. however.. i grow from this... i have learned that by this happening... i am able to help others see that what is being done is not right... so in a way.. im thankful... because it makes me a better person..
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I too was abused when I was a kid and I too am afraid to just be and breath I find that I am never truly relaxed ever I never feel peace I am always on edge always scared always trying to be perfect on the hope he may see as worthy, worthy of love and kindness.
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WELL.. YOU HAVE DONE THE FIRST STEP IN ALL OF THIS!!!! you recognize the signs.. second.. you know that you are not alone... third... you know that you are not going insane as your son can see what is going on.... SO NOW... you need to get the help that you deserve... and get out!!!!! as i said before.. if you need a friend... and you need someone to talk too... you can messenge me on msn messenger.... lil_bit_shie(at)hotmail(dot)com..... goodluck and keep me updated on what happens... please.. ~~GREAT BIG HUG TO YOU~~
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Thank you so much because I did feel like I was going crazy I did feel like it was me and you changed that thank you very much. I will keep you posted! Big hugs to you as well.
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YOU ARE WELCOME HUN....
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I just read all of this, and it was really inspiring, i really honestly hope my bf of almost three years does not turn into a monster like this. His father suffered severly from Adhd and being Bi polar when he was younger, and when my bf was about 6 his mother finally left him. He is so scared tat he will turn out like his father, but he refuses to go on any meds. His mother keeps asking him too, he has never done anything to make me really fear him, but i'm scared that because of his history it may happen some day.
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i have learned this.... by being beat by my parents... i have never hit my kids... by being molested as a child.. i have learned to search for signs for abuse in other kids... as being abused as a wife.. i have found that i can help others... he needs to bring the good out of the bad... he will not become his father unless he chooses to be...
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break up with him now, its not worth it, ur better than that
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ok, well, I think it is time to let things go. Unfortunately, things will not get better. He can promise you everything, that he will change, that he;s kidding, that he's just having some fun with you, but the truth of the matter is: that's what he really does think of you. I was in a relationship with a guy that was like that. He was mean to me, told me I was fat when I only weighed about 110 lbs, and always wanted me to look like the girls int he magazines. The truth was and is, that I am the person that I am, and I am a very special and loved person, and so are you. you dont need to be in a relationship that is going to harm you emotionally (or heaven forbid physically). You are worth so much more. Eventually the hurtful words, the bad comments, the manipulativeness had to be stopped. I now feel better than ever, I have a wonderful man at my side that loves me for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is: you have to free yourself of things that are stopping you from growing and becoming who you really are and reaching your full potential. You are loved, you are beautiful, you areamazing. and you don't need someone to put you down at your side. God will bring the right man into your life, and when that man does come, you wll know. However, for now I do think you know what is best for you. Brace yourself girl, it's not an easy task, but it's worth going through it to finally be free and genuinely happy and content with yourself and life. Blessings, A.
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Most, relationships don't just start off as an abusive one---it's a slow progression that by the time you realize where you are, it's really hard to get out of. Brainwashed into thinking that you're not worth it, that you won't be able to survive, that they're sorry and it won't happen again. A lot of guys get really upset and just see it as women liking an *******, but that's not how it is. In this instance you're seeing the culmination of several events that have come to this point---a moment of clarity and hopefully the catalysis for change, and a better future.
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I had a post a little while ago called 'abuse warning signs' I dont know how to put a link to that post (if someone could help me with that it would be much appreciated)you could click on my avitar and go to my profile and find the post somewhere there.
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Thanks Sophie :)
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The first time he hit me, I figured I deserved it because I was so frustrated and angry that we could not communicate about our problems, I got in his face and yelled at him. My behavior was inappropriate. The second time he hit me. The entire side of my head was purple. I called the police. He was asked to leave by the officer. The officer asked me when he could come back. I pointed to the side of my head and said, 'uh, well never'. We were divorce 6 months later. Yeah, I am raising the babies by myself. Abuse is intolerable. It is sick to stay in it, no matter how insidious it is. It is intolerable. But, my situation was not insidious. There were no warning signs. We were in love. He would never talk bad to me. Maybe that is key, he would never say abusive stuff because I would never accept it. I KNOW there is no validity in it. He would make an fool of himself. Anyway. Don't tolerate abuse of any sort. There really are people out there who don't abuse each other.
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if he keeps puting you down dump him. You should have dumped him a while back but still you still have the chance trust me I've been in 6that situation before.
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He sounds like a jerk, Anon. Why are you even with him? In my opinion, the other users are very correct in pointing out that this has the markings of an abusive relationship. Even if it never escalates beyond this point, why on God's earth would you ever what to spend another second of your life around anyone who treats you the way he does? "Love", among other things, means acceptance, support, encouragement, and faithfulness. If he truly loves you, these are the things he would demonstrate, rather that the criticism, negativity, selfishness, and infidelity he has offered you in their place. You are are worth so much more than this and your son has confirmed it by showing you the genuine concern and honest love that only a child can offer. Don't disappoint him and don't disappoint yourself by wasting your efforts on a grown adolescent who isn't worth your time.
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Dump him, he doesn't love you, he likes to use you. You deserve better. Don't let your kids grow up around abuse like that, they learn what they see and hear.
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Goodness, please leave him. There's nothing good that can come from this, especially if your kids feel that something bad is going to happen. A guy I used to call my best friend was the best person in the world. We knew each other since we were babies and there are pictures of us taking baths together, even though he was 2 years older! Everyone loved him but he was always with me. Everything was perfect and we figured we would always be together. When I was a sophomore in high school we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend "officially" and then he started yelling and screaming at me over things like not being home when he called me, not answering the door soon enough, stupid things. After all the yelling he would always say he loves me and "why do you make me have to hurt you?" So I started changing and then he started the yelling and grabbing, then pushing and throwing, and then hitting. He would get mad if I couldn't go to parties with him, and then he would get mad if I went and talked to people. He raped me on valentine's day at one of these parties, the best friend I though held the world up and made the stars shine. When people came in to stop him he told them that they could do whatever they wanted after he was done because I was nothing. Everything changed and suddenly I was nothing and I believed it. He left the next day, but it's still so hard to get over what he did. I now have the most amazing boyfriend but getting to the relationship stage was hard on both of us because I kept running and he just waited for me to come back. It's been 6 years since that night and I've been with my new boyfriend now for 4 years and even now I'll start screaming in my sleep and I'll wake up crying with his arms around me, he'll have scratches and bruises on his arms from trying to grab me and hold me and he'll spend the whole night just holding me while I cry. THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS. It's as hard on me as it is my boyfriend and he loves me enough to help me deal with this. He's embraced everything that has happened and told me that it's okay, he loves me because of who I am, not what happened to me. Why do you want him? Why do you want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about being you? My boyfriend still finds me hiding in the closet under the box I put in there when he comes home sometimes because I'm so scared about who's coming in the house. He wakes up every hour to check on me, I feel like I'm ruining HIS LIFE because of what happened to me but he just says he loves me and he's there for me no matter what. I'm getting help and he comes with me and just holds me through the entire hour. Don't go through this and when you have someone who loves you because you're beautiful and wonderful and strong, don't put them through this. Get out before anything worse happens. If not for yourself, for your kids. What if he decides that he needs to concentrate on their upbringing more? Please please please, do not do this to yourself.
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Wow scary thought just came to my head... I am 17 and treat my mother like this... I have never hit her and never even thought to do a thing like that. I am just mentally abusive to hear many times through out the day... It is something that I am ashamed of and don't know how to stop. I think it all goes back to when I was a child around 9 years old. My parents got a divorce and I remember my father saying "Son I am going away for a while and you're going to have to be the man of the house from now on and take care of your mother." See he was the one who did all of the discipline and my mother was the one who did the loving. Thats just how it was. I hate the way I treat her and want to stop so bad. When I say all the hurtful things I say, I tell her I was just joking as well or she really pissed me off. Those are always my excuses. I am afraid that I might end up even treating a girlfriend of mine in the future like this and I certainly do not want that. I am nice to everyone else to except to her. I mean we have our good times but then there is way more of the bad ones. Well I guess I shouldn't of wrote all this about myself but I just had to get it out. But to answer your question I definitely think you should get out of this relationship, especially since you have left once due to his behavior and now he is back to his old ways.
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RR90, now that you know you have a issue with being mentally abusive, what's stopping you from getting help? Talk to a counselor or someone. You may not treat other people like that, but what if you start? If you're afraid of starting to treat other people like that, then please, go get help. The first stage is you knowing you are doing it, the second is to find a way to stop. My ex was perfect until we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend.
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first off rr90... it takes a real man to realize that they have this problem... so im proud of you... as for fixing it... it is never too late to do so... my suggestion to you is what i tell everyone else... grab yourself a notepad.. when you feel as though your words are cutting... write down why you are doing it.. what is making you feel as though you have to say them... as you write a few different times.. it will help you to understand why you are doing this... and it will help you change... i wish you the best of luck.. and remember your mother is your mom... she loves you no matter what... imagine how much she will respect you if you can help yourself through this.... and remember.. there is always an underlying issue to cause this... with your father leaving.. you might just have some really built up anger in which you are probably unsubconciously believing that your mom had something to do with your dad leaving and take it out on her.... why dont you sit down and talk to her and find out what really happened instead of assuming... it might just make a whole lot of difference in your life and how you treat her... goodluck hun... and thankyou for owning up to your problem.. that is a true man...
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No I still talk to my father but I have lived with my mother ever since they got divorced... He has always lived within about 15 minutes away from me. My brother use to live with him until just recently. Now my father has moved to Willows, CA. At the end of the year he is going to be moving to Louisiana. Thanks for the advice about the notepad thing. I will try that. I have also talked with my mother about this already so I know what happened. Thank you lil_bit_shi. When I say the things I do, it is more of something that I just adapted to. Half the time i don't even know what I said until she states them later about how upset she was. I mean I am not the only one who is saying things as well.. we get into yelling matches... That is how a lot of them start, but then it's over in like 5 min. But there are times where I put her down a lot and she just listens like it is true even though most of them are not. But I'm going to try that notepad thing and see if it helps. Thank you much.
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Oh and to Mariediven... My mother and I have attended counseling in the past, and I was getting better, but it got to the point where she couldn't afford it anymore. I also think that I might talk to my pastor at my church and see if maybe he would be able to counsel us. Oh yeah and I don't know if I mentioned that when I graduate this year I am going to continue with my schooling to become a Doctor of Christian Clinical Psychology. It's kind of funny that I need counseling and I want to become one.. But hey everyone could use some sort of counseling... at least thats what I think.
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you must ask yourself one important question, "do i want my children to grow thinking that this is the way you love someone?" as hard as it maybe to be alone with kids, in your heart you know that it is not a good relationship. if a man truely loves you, he would never dream of asking you to "share". you deserve someone who will treat you like a queen and be a good father to your children. no one has the right to put you or your children down!!!! i will keep you and yours in my prayers. find a man who deserves you!
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I mean I am not the only one who is saying things as well.. we get into yelling matches... That is how a lot of them start, but then it's over in like 5 min. But there are times where I put her down a lot and she just listens like it is true even though most of them are not. But I'm going to try that notepad thing and see if it helps. Thank you much. that is good to try the notebook thing.. also... when you two get into the arguments.. and it is all finished... take a big breath.. and reach out to her.. and give her a hug... even if you do not feel like it... it will show her that what went on was out of anger.. not meaning to hurt her... you will see that it will show her soooo much love and respect.. that maybe that too could help...