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HELP!!! A few months ago my newly 19 yr old brother game to live with us. Because of my relationship with my family (long story) we really didn't know one another. I felt he was just another victim of my mothers lack of maternal instincts, and lazyness. That he should be with family rather than living with friends and their families like he had been since 16. I thought we could help him be more prepared to be a productive member of society and give him a sense of family who care that I didn't have when I too like him was on my own at 16. Well a week or soin we get a call from the ploice he had been pulled over and it was discovered he was driving on a suspended license. So we have been taking him to and from his two jobs. Only asking for gas money every other week. Everything is always fine unless he decides to go out then a friend will come and get him he'll tell me what time to expect him and then come in as much as 4hrs late. The last time I was so pi$$ed I told him he now had a curfew of 2 on the weekend which I thought was generous. He found a loophole by just letting us know he was staying the night with his friend so his friend wouldn't have to make the long drive. Well This week he got his license back. I told him now that he has his lisence there is no need reason to stay out all night. He was very unhappy about that. The first night he went out he said he will be in around 9 or 10 and he was. Last night he said same time and he was 1 1/2 hours late. This is really stressfull on us. Especially having little ones. He also said he would pay me the gas money he owes and he hasn't. I told him I would like him to clean his bathroom and to keep his bed made again a no. He does clean up after himself. And isn't confrontational at all. What should I do? What consequences should we have?
Answer:
If it is YOUR house, it is YOUR rules. If he wants to stay with you, he follows them. End of discussion. I would set up guidelines..IN WRITING...and have him not just read, but both sides SIGN. This makes him accountable. I have actually done "contracts" with my elementary school aged children for different situations. Every action has a consequence. You choose the action, you choose the consequence. Make sense? He is using you right now, seeing how far he can push. Granted, he hasn't had a great time in life so far maybe, but I think kids THRIVE on knowing what the rules are...and he definitely needs them. Good luck. (I have an almost 18 year old, and all that I have said, we do with her!)
Answer:
I agree you need to set up guidelines, but I would probably try to do it in the VERY most supportive fashion you can. It's probably hard for a 19 year old (who is really an adult) to all of a sudden have someone pay attention to them and have expectations of them when they've been somewhat neglected and probably left to do what they want all their life. I would probably just try to do it more from the perspective of emphasizing how much it worries you, how you can't sleep waiting for him, afraid he'll disturb the kids...yada, yada, yada.
I think it's great that you're trying to give him a loving and supportive environment that he's never had before. It's probably just a hard transition for all of you. Hopefully you'll be able to work the bumps out and it'll work out for all of you. Good luck!!
Answer:
What kind of consequences do you give?
Answer:
penalize him 10 bucks of clean up the kitchen or sleep on couch vs. bed or if not home at 10 lock the doors and he can come back in at 8 am the next day. my brother lived with us awhile back and thats what we had to do because my mom babied him to NO END. Now its hard for him bUT hes on his own with his own bills.
Answer:
I don't have teens but I am not that much older than your brother (I'm 22). It was soo hard having to listen to my mom (or anyone) when I felt I was an "adult". You could try telling him that your kids look up to him and it is his responsibility to make sure that they have good role models. (Since it sounds like your mom wasn't the best, that may put a more personal spin on it for him.) Or if you really want, tell him "Here's the rules. If you feel like you can't follow them and want to make your own, you can start paying rent like a tenant would". Hope things get better!