Ask:
I SERIOUSLY need help...I am trying to stop spanking all together and trying to make DH understand why I want to but I need something that is going to work to show him that other things DO work...Ok here's the thing my 4 y/o bit my 3 y/o I am scared to death because my kids are ALWAYS fighting and leaving marks on each other and me...They call me and DH names and just SEEM to have no disipline...I feel bad for saying this but I can't go anywhere without feeling as if my kids are so undisiplined I don't want to be seen with them it's so embarrassing...I have had DHS on my tail before because of the marks they give each other and although the case was closed I am afraid of getting my girls taken away because they always think it's us...I love them so much I just don't know what to do...My 4 y/o bit my 3 y/o hard enough to draw the blood to the top of the skin...The welt is already going down but still...I had to call poor dh at work because with DHS knowing us already I wanted to know what to do...He said take a picture but I can't find my camera...ugh...I put her in her room for a few minutes but that's all I know what to do...my daughter has been biting a lot (amongst other things) and I have tried several things and nothing works...I always try something for atleast 6 months...I have tryed corner and the couch, grounding, taking refined sugars out of their diets and NOTHING is working...I need to know how I can disipline them and have it work...Any suggestions?I get so frustrated I feel like I am going to go insane...I have also tried playing games with them and doing crafts with them but all they do the whole time is fight and it just doesn't seem worth it...The funny thing is that when they are seperated by me and DH spending quality time with them apart they are the BEST kids you could ever ask for they don't do anything mean to me or DH and they act like angels I am so confused
Answer:
Have you tried a reward system?? I have a wipe board - every time my son did something good, he got a smiley face. 10 smiley faces equalled a reward. It can be something simple as an extra book at bedtime. You can also take away smiley faces for poor behavior. Our son was barely 2 at the time we did it - he understood it for the most part. However, I had to switch to another tactic with him - may go back as he will understand it better now.
By the way, I am not against spanking but it doesn't work as a consequence for every negative behavior.
Answer:
try the reward program, and also maybe just sit down and talk calmly to each child, let them know that this behaviour is not acceptable in this house. they might not understand fully, but you have to act calmly, if you shout and spank, then they are getting the message that it is okay, we can do what we want and mommy will just spank us and then we can go back to being naughty. maybe withold things they really like, a favourite toy or cartoon, and they cant watch it till they are good.
Good Luck!
Answer:
A friend of mine who is a foster mom (ie, no spanking allowed) shared one of her tactics this morning. She stumbled upon it by accident. Her kiddoes have to put their nose on the carpet. Her little boy had done something one day and she blurted out, "Put your nose in the carpet," instead of "in the corner." She said he HATED it. It worked.
I don't know that I keep my carpet clean enough all the time to rely on this, but it might work for you!
Answer:
I think your situation is dire enough to warrant counseling, seriously. I would first find a good family counselor and go to her/him Alone first to form a plan. There are several things in the background here that weren't addressed the main thing in my mind is Why is your 3 year old biting her sister? Three year olds do not bite for no reason, I read that older kids bite out of frustration. You need to come to the root of why this behaviour is happening and it might take a counselor to find out what it is. If you don't want to go to conselor route, I'd at Least call their Ped. and again talk ALONE with them and explain exactly what you have told us here, maybe they can suggest a counselor they are familiar with that is good or maybe have some suggestions to at least get you started.
I think that for right now, what *I'd* do is at the beginning of the soonest day possible right when they wake up and have breakfast lay the new ground rules. Explain to them EXACTLY what is not acceptable and what Is acceptable. Encourage them to use their words. Give them examples if you can, of situations that happen over and over. Be firm and do not back down. They can and will test you to see if you are serious. I think the reward system is a good one, as is the time out. We also use around here time out for an object. Say one child throws their favourite toy (that is not allowed here). In our house, that Toy goes into "time out" for however long you think will do the trick. We put the offending toy on top of a high piece of furniture where ds can see it but can't get at it.
I would not give any 2nd chances here. They need to know you Mean Business and if you aren't consistent they will know that. It might be hell for a couple of days, but I think you'd prefer that to the hell you seem to be living with each day ~ I don't mean to be harsh here but honestly you seem pretty desperate.
I am NOT into the humiliation/spanking type punishments. In my opinion these do not teach your children anything. Try to be creative and think up dicipline that fits the situation. I also think when they are 'putting marks on each other' they need to learn that violence in any way shape or form either physical or verbal is *NOT* acceptable and if they do this, as part of the dicipline they must use 'gentle hands' and try to help the person they hurt. To me this is more effective than just punishing them.
I urge you first, though, to try to come up for the reasons both kids go at each other like this first. I know a certain amount of rivalry is normal, but for them to be constantly hurting each other, IMO, is NOT. Is jealousy the issue? Or just plain meanness?
I do have a website that is excellent as an Anti spanking resource. I cannot post it here because it is against the rules but if you pm me I will give you the information. Good luck to you, and get some help soon! They are young enough to turn it around but you must start ASAP!!
Answer:
I really think you should seek outside help.