Ask:
I have been thinking so much lately and trying to make sense of it all. I guess it is really a matter of faith and learning to accept what we can't understand.
Yet, I wanted to know if anyone else is also just tired? I give my entire self into Hunter's program, his needs, wants, feeding problems, you know the drill and at the end of it, I wonder how much of me is left over? I am tired?
This holiday season I just wanted to make one line in the fresh snow. That is all I wanted. Me, God and an untracked mountain side. I wanted to settle this in my own way.
Well, DD, the drug court girl can't go out the state. To get to my home mountain, I have to go into Idaho and then back into Wyoming. She can't go. Dear Step son can not come over the day after, only in the afternoon on Christmas. DH friend is flying in from Alaska for Christmas because he broke up with his girlfriend.
Once again, everyone else's problems become mine and there will be no line on Christmas day.
I am tired!
Answer:
I can so relate!!! I don't even have the special needs to deal with like you do!!! Everything in my life is about my kids and dh!!! Dh is having heart palpataitons due to stress, so I am trying to make his life more stress free, therefore creating more stress in my life. My oldest is a constant thorn in my side and likes to blame me for all the problems in her life (she also drinks and does drugs, which she definitely did not learn from me!) I care for 6 minor children including my 2 yr old grandson, who my dd cannot care for. He causes constant disruption in our household and fights constantly with my 3 yr old. I take all this stress on myself and am actually getting physically sick because of it!!! I am getting better about not letting my oldest stress me. She is an adult, she has to take the blame/credit for her own stupid decisions. Other wise I don't know what to do to take away stress!!!
I hope you get that trip to your moutain and have that pow wow with God!! We all need that sometimes!
Answer:
Yes I am tired. Yes everyone comes before me. Since dd has come along I feel that I have to protect, speak for and provide everything at the most extreme that I can. She is sick tonight but I can not go to sleep. If she vomits and can't get it past her lungs she'll choke to death. Now next two kids will get it then me. No relief. I know that god gives us power beyond what is normal when we pray to him. Hang in there. We are important and we can let him carry us threw the hard times. My oldest ds, I have now decided that I can not stop the train wreck, I can only help pick up the pieces when he wants the help. Praying for you for added strength.
Answer:
I can feel so very tired too. My husband is sober (for 5 years now), but when he gets tired, over worked, and stressed out we all have to walk on eggshells around him. He has to get a full nights sleep so he can go to work. He once said to me that I "can nap anytime you want to, I have to work all day". That leaves me to tend to the children when they are sick, or wake up in the middle of the night, even if they call out for their dad. We have had the stomach flu, the regular flu, and my youngest had to have his 2 front top baby teeth pulled and a bridge put in this month. I've been to the boy's doctor 5 times so far. My little one just put a piece of some toy in his ear and had to have it removed by the doctor (this is the third time that he has done this).
I also am the one who advocates for my older son. I spend hours looking up how to keep him healthy and safe. I go into his school at least once a month and fight to get his teacher to understand why she can't do math with M&M's. I have to talk to his principal and school nurse to make sure that there is a plan in case he should go into anaphylactic shock. He can be very clueless about what it entails to keep O safe (and we are lucky that his only real special needs are his food allergies).
I have to stop and take little breaks whenever I can. My favorite right now is to "forget" something at the store. I wait for my hubby to come home. I put the kids to bed and then go out to get whatever thing I need. I try to drive to the farthest store and either play the music that I like really loud, or keep the car very quite and enjoy the time to myself.
I do have the blessing of seeing a lot of sobriety in my family. Between my dad, my hubby, and my sister, there is over 37 years of sobriety. There was a lot of hurt getting there. But they got there. I know how hard it is. It can feel like it is crushing you. Try not to let it.
God is there for you right now. I am praying that you get the strength and rest that you need. Your home mountain is waiting for you. It will be there for you when the time is right. Until you can get there, I hope that knowing you will get there can bring you through the tough times. You also have a lot of support right here.
I hope that a Christmas miracle comes your way. Find time for yourself. You deserve it and need it.