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DH and I have been married for 4 years next month. We have DD, who just turned 1 and DSD that is 6. We're currently in a custody battle with her, so when shes here, DH is always home, spending time with her. But, since around october, on our off weekends, hes taken it upon himself to be out all the time with some guys from work or friends around town. None of these other guys are married, IMO they encourage his behavior. I'm a SAHM- we're a one car family and since we're in the country, the neighbors arent exactly close, so between the dishes, laundry, dinner, etc, I spend all day talking to our 1 year old. Don't get me wrong- shes my world and I absolutely adore her, but I need adult conversation too but DH doesnt seem to understand this. When he is home, he'll come in, feed the dogs (I quit doing this because they're his hunting dogs), eat dinner, take a shower and go to bed, barely spending any time w/ me or Carleigh. I'm expected to clean up any mess that hes created along the way.
After work tonight he went for a few drinks w/ some of the guys knowing that I had to run a few errands and that Carleigh's usually in bed by 8:30. Around 5:30, he calls and says hes getting ready to leave but didnt show up until 8:00. When he got here, he ended up leaving after about 30 minutes, because 'it was to late for me to go anywhere anyway!'. He swears that hes not doing anything other than hanging out with his friends, and I want to believe him, but because I've had past relationships where that wasn't the case, its really hard for me. I don't want to push him away because of my past but he needs to be here for his family, IMO.
Then, out of the blue this evening, a good friend that I hadn't heard from in a few months calls... this friend is also an old boyfriend. DH doesn't know that we still talk- and thats all it is... he's someone for me to talk to that will listen- the way I want DH to be. Then it occurred to me- am I jumping to conclusions about DH when I'm the one thats really keeping things from him? I know he wouldn't care if he knew we still talked- he knows that we were friends long before DH came around. What would bother him is what we're talking about. DH wouldn't be very happy if he knew I was discussing our marriage with him- but this is the only person that I can talk to that won't make judgements about either one of us. If DH was here, he'd be the one I talked to, but he has seemed to have forgotten that we're supposed to be a priority.
I've tried talking to DH, tried writing him letters, etc- but in the past few months nothing has been the same. I've supported him in his custody battle- in fact one of the things that helping him is because hes married and shes not- but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I don't know if its because of the custody case- if so, the next hearing isn't until feb and I'm not sure I can last til then. And then if thats not the problem and its something else, then what? And then I end up with the guilty concious just for talking to my ex about all this stuff. I love DH dearly but I don't like the person hes become lately. I wouldnt do anything to intentionally hurt him, but I know if he finds out that I've been doing this, even though its completely innocent, he will be hurt even though hes the one that hasnt been here for me.
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I'm so sorry you are having a hard time! I wish I had some advice for you but you are in my thoughts.
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Bottom line is that his lifestyle is not conducive to a family and marriage, and has to change. If it were my guy, I'd sit him down after baby's in bed. He can get out one night a week, but there is accountability in a marriage. You depend on him home at a certain time, and look forward to getting a bit of a break and some downtime. I once told my dh to picture spending 24/7 with a very demanding boss who he really liked, but was always just....there, demanding things. How wearing that would be. He needs to start the new year with some rules and some "fixes" to the family. Personally, I wouldn't even bring up the other friend, but if you're concerned about where this could lead, I would back off on it and keep in touch only occasionally. There must be a reason that it's an "old" relationship, in other words, in the past (which always looks a bit rosier in retropect). But dh needs to step up and be mature. You can't make him stop being with his friends, he has to see the need to move on and he has to outgrow them. But, you can explain how it's damaging to your relationship. Hey, there's nothing wrong with a wife wanting her dh home, and wanting time for yourself is very important. He, too, is missing out on valuable time with the baby. This time is so important for bonding. My dd is 16 months and just adores daddy. She loves mommy, but daddy is the "fun" one for her.
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Ok, this is where I can relate (disguised name due to custody battle). It WILL hurt him to be out like that all the time. (If she hires a P.I. or has friends/family witnessing these things.) But, otoh he does it to relax due to the stress. You are looking at a 6-12 month process. Depending on if you have to do mediation. You really got to be strong and let this build closeness between thhe two of you instead of letting it tare you apart. PM me if ya need some help.
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He needs to be home more and spend quality time with Carleigh and you! I worry that once the custody battle is over and if he does win custody, then you will be home alone with 2 kids while he's out doing his own thing.
As far as your friend, I wouldn't bring this up to him (dh) - it could only make things worse.
I hope things get better for you! keep us posted!
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My only advice is this... Just do not tolerate his behavior. If my DH ever did this, I would throw the biggest fit and I dont think he would ever do it again. I never "go out". Occasionally my Mom will watch the kids so I can do errands or get my hair done, but thats it and it is rare. So, DH knows he has it the same. The most he goes out is once or twice a month, and it is NEVER spur of the moment.
I think it is a respect thing. I think you have to put your foot down and make your voice heard. It is not fair to you at all.
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Originally Posted by lexikatiesmom
My only advice is this... Just do not tolerate his behavior. If my DH ever did this, I would throw the biggest fit and I dont think he would ever do it again. I never "go out". Occasionally my Mom will watch the kids so I can do errands or get my hair done, but thats it and it is rare. So, DH knows he has it the same. The most he goes out is once or twice a month, and it is NEVER spur of the moment.
I think it is a respect thing. I think you have to put your foot down and make your voice heard. It is not fair to you at all.
Thats exactly how it is at my house. We also call this RESPECT. I can not believe how many people dont have respect in there marriage.
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How are things going Carleighsmommy???
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Not much has changed- I've tried to talk to him about all this thats going on but he doesnt seem to want to hear anything I have to say. We've had DSD since wednesday and there were some issues there- he makes it a point to give her one on one time but doesnt do the same for Carleigh when DSD is here. I pointed that out to him, probably not in the nicest way, but hes been trying harder to spend equal time with them, so at least I know that it is possible for him to put out an effort.
Hes on a hunting trip this weekend but promised that he'd be home as close to 8am on the 1st as he could so I could do some clearance shopping w/o any kids, so we'll see how that holds up.
It seems like his main complaint right now is that I don't 'try' anymore- meaning certain things are lacking, if you know what I mean. And to be honest, I don't- I haven't had any desire to since Carleigh came and I have no clue why. Its not because of him because he wasn't like this until recently. I can't help but feel like my job now is to be her mommy more than it is to be a wife but its not that I don't want to be a wife... is that normal for that feeling to last this long?
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Originally Posted by carleighsmommy
It seems like his main complaint right now is that I don't 'try' anymore- meaning certain things are lacking, if you know what I mean. And to be honest, I don't- I haven't had any desire to since Carleigh came and I have no clue why. Its not because of him because he wasn't like this until recently. I can't help but feel like my job now is to be her mommy more than it is to be a wife but its not that I don't want to be a wife... is that normal for that feeling to last this long?
Sweetie, my Aidan is 14 months old, and I can count on one hand the times we've had sex since he was born. The fact that we are expecting again is a miracle. Taking care of a house and a toddler is tiring. We only have so much energy and so much to do, and when we're tired, we're tired. That's all there is to it.