Ask:
ok, so I am having a really hard time with my ex-husband and I having mutual friends. And by mutual friends I mean the parents of our kids friends. I know I am probably just parinoid, but I think if he gets too close to them....they will not like me. Maybe that is a bit extreme, but that is how I feel. I don't know how to handle this. I am starting to withdraw from really getting to know anyone better than the "small talk". anyone have any advice??
I should add that....we haven't lived close together for over three years now....so this is a new thing that has popped up recently now that he lives within 2 miles of us, and is way more involved than he ever used to be.
Answer:
I agree this is a really tricky, sticky situation. From my own experience, NO ONE stayed neutral when xh and I divorced. Everyone sided with one of us or the other.
However, they each made up their own mind and so will your friends. I don't recommend trying to "put a bug in their ear" because it probably won't work. When you see mutual friends, you should just be pleasant and avoid discussing the divorce or the aftermath. That will give you the best chance of keeping them neutral at worst, and perhaps seeing your side at best.
Best wishes!
Answer:
That's just it...these are not people who have been friends with us before. We are both new to this area. Well, I have been here a year now, and he just moved around here about 6 months ago.
It just seems that the kids get together with their friends more so when they are with their Dad. Maybe I am just concentrating on that too much and not when they all get together when they are with me.
It just seems like he has more of an opportunity to meet the other parents...more so than I do. So, I think they will end up being closer with him. Because the kids are with him more on the weekends and that is when they spend time with their friends.
and I just know that he would tell his whole life story to a complete stranger. And he just loves telling people about my life. I have seem him do it right in front of me....and then I have to pull him aside and tell him that he is out of line talking to someone else about my business.
I hope this makes more sense.
Plus, I have a baby, so it is harder for me to be as involved in all of the school activities. And he just seems to always find the time. And I just get worried that I look like the "bad" one. When that is so not the case!!
It is amazing to me that he comes off like this big hero all the time.
Edit: I am adding that I think this goes along the same lines as .... his house in the "fun" house.
Answer:
Well first off...yeah, that's totally inappropriate if he's sharing all the details of you two's personal problems with people he barely knows. Just from my own perspective...I'm not divorced, but both of my children have at least one friend who have divorced parents. I couldn't care less about why they got divorced or who did what to who. All I care about is if their children are good friends to my children and well behaved. I know one of my ds's friends have parents who both live near us, so we just have both of their phone numbers and know where both of their houses are, and so when we pick him up to do something we just figure out which place to go. No biggie for us. So I think if the two of you don't get others involved in your personal problems, they won't be taking sides or caring.
Answer:
You know, you said something there that made me think....
I don't talk about "my side" of things. I keep it about the kids. and I guess that is what I get afraid of the most. That he does talk about things...and I am just so afraid that people will end up judging me, without even really knowing me.
Maybe I should just stop caring about what other people think of me. I always think I don't care....but if I didn't then I wouldn't be "stressing" over these situations.
hummmmmmmmmmmm....thanks for turning a light on for me!!
Answer:
You're welcome!! Actually, if you stick to that I think you'll be the one that comes out looking better. If I barely knew one of my children's friends, and when the mom dropped them off she made polite socially appropriate conversation, yet when the dad dropped them off he was inappropriately telling me all the "dirt", I can tell you which one I would have more respect for. So...yeah...don't worry so much about it. If you're nice, and your kids are nice...frankly I don't think anyone will think less of you because of what he says.