Ask:
When were you comfortable with another "parent figure" being in your kids life??
How long before you introduced another "man" as a "father figure"??
Assuming the father of your children has a girlfriend/wife, how long did it take to be comfortable with another "woman" being in their life??
Answer:
I came into the relationship with dh knowing he had a dd. We dated for 3 yrs before marriage. DSD would call me mom (on her own) off and on here and there. When we had other kids shed call me by my name here and there and then the kids here were calling me by my name. I took her into her room and explained that i needed to be called Mom because I would not be on a first name basis with her like she was with her bio mom. Yes she has always called her bio mom by her first name ever since I've known her.
My dsd and I are close VERY close when it comes down to it! She doesnt like to let a whole lot of people in (emotionally) so we really connect because I've been where shes been.
Answer:
This was just kinda up for discussion. I am for the most part "okay" with my entire situation.
However, there are definately times when it makes me uncomfortable that another woman is comforting my children...hugging them, saying "I love you" etc. Attending school functions as a "parent". I know there are certain things that we all need to be involved in. But there are some things that I think just her father and I should be the only ones there....we are the parents after all and are both involved.
My dh sets "boundaries" so to speak. He knows when to "back off" if it is a Dad situation, knowing that their Dad is still in their life on a somewhat regular basis.
The thing that has me a little uncomfortable lately is: My dd has been working on a big project for her class. They had to take an imaginary trip to Africa, make a scrapboook, a travel log, shadow box. etc. and she has a powerpoint presentation. Parents were invited to watch the presentation....and the "soon to be step mom" is planning on being there with my ex. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but I just think that something that intimate should be for the Parents only.
Football games, soccer games...etc...come on and join us...but something in the classroom I just have a little problem with.
Answer:
Ok, so here is what happened. My ex ended up not going to school....so just his fiance was there. Talk about uncomfortable, and then when she left of course she goes over to give my dd a hug and kiss, etc. I am thinking, why do you have to do that in front of me?? Well, then last night it occured to me that if it was a Aunt or Grandmother, they would probably have done the same thing. So, I guess I need to start looking at their relationship that way, and not a "mother/daughter" relationship.
Answer:
I would like to add something to the feeling that some things should just be for the family, not the girlfriend/new wife. Example: After a weekend at their dad's, one of my boys wore a pair of jeans to school that had a rip in the knee. I received a call from the school telling me that my son would not be allowed back into class until he had another pair of pants. Well why did they send him out the door with a pair of ripped pants on? I pack old clothes for them to wear over the weekend so they won't ruin all their "school clothes". Well, I am at a school 40 minutes away teaching and can't leave my students to run out the door to take him pants. I called their dad and he said he would take care of it. He sends his new wife to the school where she proceedes to check my son out of school and take him to my house, walks into my house, and tells my son to change his clothes. She had some of his clothes at her house! When my son tells her she's not supposed to be in our house, she responds,"Oh well!" I didn't find out that she had checked him out of school until that afternoon when the school called me with an automated message letting me know that one of my children was absent and I had three days to turn in an excuse. Well, naturally I was totally confused and called the school. I was informed that the new wife told the office that she was my son's mother and checked him out. I had a fit! She is nowhere on any checkout permission forms for either of my boys. Basically, the school messed up big. I made sure that the school knew she was not to check them out or bring medicine for any reasons. I of course, was called the big B for not putting her on their checkout cards. Here I am supposed to allow her to check my boys out of school and she doesn't even allow her daughter to speak to me? Some things are done just out of spite to cause problems. The new wife is a realtor and decided to sponsor one of my boys baseball teams. Well can you guess what was on the back of every child's shirt? Her name in big bold letters. I realize this may sound petty, but it has been three years since or divorce and it still hurts me to think that all the things I wanted for our family are being given to someone else. Like you weren't worth the best he had to offer. And while he's off dating anything he can find, I'm at home trying to pick up the pieces and keep my family functioning. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. Not that I would trade having my boys for a minute, but I just get tired of feeling like I am being pittied because I have no life!
Answer:
I dated my dh for almost 1 yr before introducing him to my children from my first marriage. I just didn't want them to be confused if it didn't work out between us but that was almost 9 years ago. We've been married for the last 7 years.
My oldest DD was 7 when my youngest DD was born, she asked my DH if she could call him Daddy too, he told her she could call him whatever she wanted, sometimes he is Dad and sometimes she uses his first name.
When my ex remarried it wasn't a big deal to my kids, his new wife was only 18 and my oldest DS was 13 then, she is a friend to them. I would be very hurt if they called her "Mom" but I wouldn't let them know.