Ask:
dsd's mom is so FAKE. Tells dsd that my dh doesnt love her never wants her etc etc. HE honestly does. Her attitude is totally different and she hates. She needs therapy but her mom wont do it (because she quit doing hers agter she was in the nut house 7 yrs ago)
Answer:
I'm not sure I totally understand the situation from your post, but I'll answer based on what I THINK you were saying. You can't, and shouldn't try, to influence your dsd's opinion of her mother. It is very harmful to kids to have each parent trying to badmouth the other parent. So even if her mom is doing that, you shouldn't sink to that level. Just make sure that dh does what HE is supposed to do. Make sure he sees her when he is supposed to, that he acts interested in her life and activities, and he shows her he loves her, etc. At some point she will be old enough to see for herself who is the mature stable parent and who is the nutjob. My older brother is divorced and when his children were young, he & ex hated each other and each wanted the kids to hate the other parent. I always felt so sorry for the kids stuck in the middle. Many times my brother would get his feelings hurt because he felt they were taking up for their mother. But now they're grown and they have very close relationships to my bro. The saw that he was a stable responsible person who has always been there for them, and they eventually saw their mother for the trashy lowlife she is. But you can't get involved. Just let dsd come to her own conclusions. JMO
Answer:
He needs to take his dd aside and talk to her, and you can reinforce it. It's really got to come from him. How are you guys doing, anyway?
Answer:
See another thing she said today was "my mommy has to work too many hours because I want to go to camp at the Y" My friend's dd goes and with the discount (private school got a huge chunk out because the Y considers ita church donation) its $35. So she tells dsd that she has to work A LOT to be able to pay for it. Ok so if you'd set aside $3 weah week you could pay for it. She also told dsd that boots are expensive and she can't afford them. OK we got the kids all (3) for $50 total. It's part of parenting but be a mom and buy your kid the stuff she NEEDS. Yes we bought her boots but every time we send some thing over there for her dsd comes back saying "My mom's sick of looking at that _________" OR her mom calls and says "That's too big, where did you get it so I can exchange it" She tries to put the poor kid in a size 7-8 and we buy her 10-12 I mean let the poor kid breathe. But her mom says you HAVE to wear the clothes size that's your age. Ok she's 9 so let her wear a 10 but no then she starts calling her fat (seriously)
Answer:
I honestly don't think it's a fight you can win on your own. Your dh needs to speak with her - I'm sure she would never listen to you. There are problems, and the only thing you can do is to get full custody, but is it warranted? I feel so sorry for her, as it does sound like mommy is warped and has many issues.
Answer:
This is a sad situation all around. And I agree with Aliadiam. This is not something you are going to be able to control. And you have to try your absolute hardest not to put your dsd in the middle.
Me being the "mom" in this situation myself, let me just say that having to except that another woman is a "mother figure" to my children is hard. It is not an easy transition. Anything you send home is a reminder of you and your dh. That is how she is looking at it, not as something for her dd. Maybe she still has feelings for your dh?? who knows. But she is having a hard time dealing with her issues. Not that that gives her an excuse to act the way she is. But when people are hurt and depressed, they do crazy things.
Your dsd will know when she is older the truth. She will figure it all out on her own. Just let her enjoy her childhood.
That is one thing that I have tried my absulute hardest on is not letting the kids know my true feelings. They have no idea how I really feel about their Dad or the whole situation.
They just know that we get along.
Answer:
Ok, this site just keeps kicking me out. So, I wanted to reply quickly.
Here is a continuation....
I don't mean to sound like I am defending your dsd's mother. I am just trying to show her side of it.
She does sound crazy. She sounds exactly like the mother of my best friend's dsd. So I have heard all of these stories. My friend feels exactly like you do, and I know it is hard.
My friend and her dh...have been denied visitation by this woman, because she is uncomfortable with the arrangement. (And yes they have it in court)
I know it must be so hard for you. And I am sure there is no reasoning with this woman.
But sometimes you just have to pick and choose your battles. I know easier said than done.
I haven't had feeling (romantic) for my ex since I filed for divorce....but it is still hard to except that he has another woman in their life. It is still hard when they come home with stuff. Like I am not doing a good enough job, so he has to pick up my slack. It is enough to drive anyone crazy.
I hope this helps, and I hope I am making sense here. Again, I am not trying to defend her....just trying to shed some light on how she may be feeling. There are two sides to everything, right??
Answer:
me again, I dug up an article that I had saved from a few years ago. (for my friend in this situation) It is a "dear abby" type column. But a Dad had wrote in complaining that his ex was keeping his dd away from him, etc. not the same situation as yours but here are a few of the responses from daughter who were in the same situation as your dsd:
"...thank God my father put up with her after their divorce. I was only 2, but by the time I was 7, my father's house was a welcome sanity break and quiet refuge..."
from another father: "...tens years later, my 15-year old dd lives with me and is adoring..."
"...my mother began to abuse me emotionally and physically when I started to form my own opinions, and I was very afraid of her. Fortunately, I had my dad to turn to, and eventually moved in with him..."
It is all interesting...but too much to type. I tried to find a link....but it is from a local news paper.
You guys just hang in there and be there for her. If it is really as bad as you say it is....she will figure it all out on her own in due time.
I hope I have helped...
Answer:
Unfortunately this is a no win situation for you. You CANNOT bad mouth the other parent (no matter how bad of a job he/she may be doing in your own opinion). You just have to wait it out and the child will (usually) come to realize it on their own. I have an almost 13 year old SS and DH and I have been together since he was 4. SS mom has made it very clear she is not interested in being his "mother" she wants to be his 'friend' and yes, these are words straight from her mouth. That was all well and good with SS....until about a year ago...he is an almost 13 year old boy and needs guidance. He hates to see his mother lie, he has caught her in several,now calls her on her lies and has told his dad about it, when she tells him his father moved to another state to be with his 'other family' SS is the one to tell her no, he moved so he can afford to support all of us (the kids), and not have to work 7 days a week.
Eventually the truth comes out, but you just can't get involved. The more you try and tel DSD about her mother, the less she will listen, that is her Mom after all, she has to come to realize these things on her own.
Perhaps b/c of all that is going on, DH can speak to the Judge and see if he will mandate court appointed therapy. If mom doesn't take her, she's in contempt.
Answer:
I'm not sure how old your DSD is but the best thing you can do is make your home a safe, loving home for her when she is there. Never say anything bad about her mother when she is around. Let her and your DH spend a little one on one time together. One day she will be old enough to know the things her mother says aren't true.