Ask:
I need some advice...How do you and your husband agree on rules. Everything that I tell my daughter not to do her father says yes to and then we get in an argument about it. I am frustrated that she will not listen to me and that he doesn't back me up. For example, I think that my dd that is 3 should be able to go to her room and go to sleep without someome sitting next to her bed for 45 min. to an hour. I was the one stuck doing it while in the mean time I'm supposed to take care of our 6 month old also. I finally decided after talking to her ped. that I would let her cry it out. My husband had a fit and said I wasn't being fair. So I told him that it was his responsiblitiy to sit next to her. That lasted 2 nights and now he doesn't want to miss out on tv shows. I need some advice on what I should do. Does anyone else have this sort of problem? Thanks for letting me vent!
Answer:
DH and I don't have a problem agreeing on things about discipline, he usually follows my lead and the kids know it. They can ask him but he'll say "what did the boss say?" L.OL.
Sounds like you need to talk with your DH and agree on a few things - sometime when it's calm and you're both able to talk. You might have to pick your battles though because I can imagine you're not going to see eye to eye on everything but maybe you can meet halfway...kwim?
I would think that a 3 year old should definately be able to go to sleep without someone sitting there for almost an hour...if you keep doing that, when do you stop? If your Dh thinks that someone should sit there, then let him. Tell him that you talked to the ped and he/she is backing you up and that your child needs to fall asleep on their own. Or come up with a system together where you guys take turns with it, gradually tempering down the time you're sitting there...like tonight someone does sit with her but for only 40 minutes and do that for a few nights and then a few nights of 30 minutes etc
Good luck!
Answer:
You guys sound like us awhile ago. Now that he had to sit with her maybe he'll change his mind. My oldest was like that and we decided that we had enough and completely changed her bed routine and it took a few nights of crying and puting her back to bed 500 times but now it works like clock work. We explained to her that when the clock gets to a certain time (for us it's 8:00) we brush our teeth, then read one book, get a drink and then get to bed ( the stay in bed part gets better if you just keep puttin her back in and not staying with her). We just had to make sure that we stayed consistant with it and didn't give in after we changed the rules. I'll admit it was really dificult the first few nights, but now she tells us when it's bedtime (we showed her on the clock) and we don't have any tears, whines, and most importantly she stays in bed! Good Luck
Answer:
Contradicting your parental authority may be a sign of a larger problem. Either way, problems with different parenting styles is one of the reasons I believe a couple should be married for a while before having children - they can work out how they negotiate differences without little ones being affected. Now, three years later you have the job of working out this issue.
Where to start?
I wouldn't start with the problem of him contradicting you. That is just a symptom. Here is a strategy ...
1) Once a week have a couples-only date. It doesn't have to be at night. Going away for a couple of hours after church or to a restaurant for dessert on Saturday afternoon might make it easier to find a regular babysitter. Whenever you go, make it convenient for your schedule.
2) During this away time, discuss your vision for your family. What do you value most as individuals and as a couple. Start with what you value most as individuals. Actually write down your own list then compare them. For instance, you hubby may highly value 'happiness' or a stress-free environment. You may desire exactly the same thing! You just have a different way of achieving it. Prioritize your individual priorities. If you start with your top-10, the first 5 values are the most important. Be prepared to work on your individual values for a while.
3) Compare your lists to make a 'family values' list. This won't mean that each of your top individual values will make the family list. However, the family list should be agreed upon. This will take a lot of discussion. My husband and I worked on our family values list for a month!
4) With your family values list in hand, start to visual how you'll live according to your values. For instance, if you both value 'health' and want that for a family value, will you engage your child in sports at every opportunity and take a bike ride every weekend? Granted, your vision of how you should live will not be a reflection of how you're living now. Changes will not have to be made immediately.
5) Now that the hard work is over, start discussing HOW you're going to start getting to your vision. (BTW, this process is called "Values, Priorities and Goals".) You might be surprised by what hubby wants to do. Maybe he'll be the one to suggest turning the TV off at night. Maybe he'll suggest that he put the little one to bed so you have time to finish up around the house and you both can relax for a little time together before falling asleep.
It feels so much nicer to be working together as a married couple and as parents. It also makes life decisions so much easier to make. Within weeks of my hubby and I finishing our goals list he got an outstanding job offer. It really was a once in a lifetime opportunity and it was a tempting offer for MANY reasons. However, if he accepted the job it would have put our goals off for a minimum of 3 years. I finally told him I would support him in whatever he decided (after all, our marriage was our first family value so I was going to stand by him). He turned down the offer and never regretted it. As a matter of fact, I think he's now thankful he did.