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A heppy new week to all!
The sun is shining and the temps make it feel like summer. But it is mud season and walking around in Sorrels for the next month is our fashion statement.
Spring time makes we throw open the windows and start to clean out the staleness of winter. Today I clean and vacuumed the minivan. After a winter of dirt it needed to be cleaned badly.
While cleaning I was thinking about Easter service at my church last year. I went to the family service and Fr. asked for his blue copy as the family service was different from the other. I'll say, without telling me, his sermon was about us finding out that Hunter was autistic and how different I am from most. I cried the entire service and was close to being offend at being outed by the Fr. of my church without my permission. Forgiveness divine.
I have been thinking about what to write to Fr. Ken about how the autism, my faith and our lives has changed in the past year. Wow, what a year.
I have gone from sorrow, deep sorrow, crying all day sorrow, grabbing up Hunter and holding him for dear life sorrow to a sadness. I don't cry all day, but I still cry. I still hug and tell him how much I love him, how he is my best friend but it is not the desperation that I use to hold him. I still make excuses for his behavior but it is getting better as I am trying to accept that not making him act right only hurts him in the end. I have researched, studies, learned, became a program manager an employment manager, an expert in the Wyoming state waiver program. I still wonder why do I have to know all this but this is also about faith.
I remain angry at God for taking away my dream of the perfect child, the smart little guy, I grieve a loss, not a physical loss but a loss none the less. I have no answer for why!!! research is going strong but it doesn't change the fact that Hunter has autism. Why? God, tell me??? But I have learned that in the quietest times, I feel drawn to God and know deep down that He is still waiting for me to come back. It is His love that is the gift. He waits for me to be ready to come back and turn this over. Until then I know the unrest will stay with me. So just knowing is going in the right direction.
What can I say to the Church about the past year? I am learning, slowly and I will continue to learn and grow, in faith and in hope.
Blessings, April
Answer:
Just know that you are a gift to your son, and he is a gift to you. You have a special heart to share with a little guy who needs an understanding, patient and loving parent. You are doing all the right things, and look how far you have both come! Through your messages, I have seen a change in him over this past year that a lesser mother could not have accomplished. Take care of yourself, too. It is so easy for a caregiver to get depleted. Perhaps moving to SLC will help in that you can find some friends. See if there are any group meetings for parents of autistic children there. Just being friends with someone who understands where you're coming from is such validation! Believe me, I know!