Ask:
Do you think the people that you know that are "Keeping up with the Joneses" in general have a weaker sense of who they are as those who don't? Maybe they're looking to things to define who they are or give them a sense of self-worth? I'm just wondering how much you think self esteem plays a part in someone's willingness to be OK not having all the spoils of the "Good Life".
Answer:
My dh is always envious of other's and what they have. Having things is a big issue in his life (and no he did not grow up poor). I'm not like that, I would like to own our own home but that's about it. I don't care about most material things except for the necessities. I don't feel like keeping up with anybody, what's the point? It's not going to make you happier. I don't know why people feel that they have to live this way and it frustrates me to no end to live with someone like this. In my opinion it's a lack of maturity, not self esteem, that triggers this. If you look a group of 8 year olds - if Jimmy got a new bike then Johnny wants one too... If Sally has a new doll then Sara wants one too. This is how children are!!! But it should get to a point that you get past that and focus on your life and forget about what others have. You never know what they have done or given up to get it. Our society and endless lines of credit make us feel entitled to everything under the sun and all this Celebrity worship makes people envious and want more. KWIM.
sorry so long.
Answer:
as a child growing up we did not want for much and out of 4 kids only one has real issues with keeping up with the joneses mentality. he does have very low self esteem for whatever reason. but we all grew up the same he just has a need to be like everyone else. it makes me sad as a sibiling to see this because he is missing out on so much in life by trying to keep up when it is totaly unrealistic for him.
Answer:
I think it is low self esteem. I never felt compelled to keep up until I quit the job that defined me (in my mind at the time) to become a SAHM. I found I spent all my time obsessing over our house, our clothes, etc..
If I get busy with an organized successful project all that evil envy seems to go away.
I'm doing much better since reading this board and realizing that things arent always as they appear. No sense in us going into debt to get those things if the people who have those things are miserably in debt. maybe they arent but I jsut dont know so I need to not compete.
Answer:
I think it has a lot to do with being accepted in society and fitting in which all stems from self-esteem. For some people, having nice material things (cars, clothes, houses) is their way of getting needed attention that they aren't getting in their own personal life for whatever reason. They like the compliments and attention it brings to them. For others, I believe it's just a way of being like the "norm." I way to fit in with the "in" crowd. In either case, the "need" is never satisfied. So, the desire for material things and the result it gives (attention or acceptance) is never completely fulfilled. Or, it becomes like an addiction - leaving you always wanting more! That's where the problem lies.
Answer:
I think it is exactly like when those who are jealous make fun of other people. Sure, there are a few things I wish we had, but I'm fine without them. And I certainly don't want anything because someone else has it. I realize that even though we don't have a lot of money or material goods, we are so much more fortunate than others. Even though we don't have a lot, I still give to charities because I know there are kids out there who don't get what my kids get.
Answer:
I live in an affluent area in a big city. The Joneses are everywhere! And here they are not going into debt, I don't think, to have what they have. The husbands are just making insane amounts of money. The average starting salary in one of the "big 3" law firms here is over $120,000. By the time these guys make partner they are making more money than they know what to do with. I think so many of the SAHMs that I know are fiercely competitive with each other. They have to have the biggest house, drive the most expensive car, be the skinniest, take the best spring break trips, etc. It is a never ending cycle. They even compete with pregnancies! Now it isn't enough to have 2 kids, they are all having 3. They seem to get pregnant in big groups. And the women that are done with their babies are now competing with plastic surgery and personal trainers. I don't know if it is self esteem or boredom or what. I have tried to like so many of them, but I just can't find anything "real" about them. Over the almost 7 years that I have been a SAHM I have only found ONE mom that thinks practically like me and loves to find deals and hates to waste money. She is my best friend! Other than her, I hang out with my college friends that I have known forever. The moms of the kids in my boys' schools are just not my type.
Answer:
Yeah, I believe the nature of "Keeping up.." is envy. If we are okay with who we are, well grounded and secure, it just doesn't crop up so much.
It often seems that the people who are most pressured to keep up are just not that familiar with what THEY really want, so they just want to show that what they have is just as good as someone else's.
I do feel the pressure sometimes, and I fall prey-always rationalizing that we really NEED that private school, bigger car etc, but when I come to my senses I see what is really at work.
Thanks Kim for always offering up some very good food for thought, If only I could be more like you...
Answer:
Great answer, moneymommy.
Answer:
I think a lot of them think it will make them "happier" if they are keeping up with the "joneses".