Ask:
Do any of you deal with a situation like this? Both of my sons, who are 12 and 14, play baseball during the week and all weekend. Well, when they go to their dad's every other weekend, they look at me and talk to me at the games like they wish I would just go home and stop bothering them. It's almost like they aren't supposed to talk to me while they are with their dad. He is, by the way, remarried. It really hurts my feelings, especially when they do this in front of their dad and his new family. I have never missed one of my boys games in 11 years, but for some reason it just got to me this weekend. I stayed and watched both of their first games, but went home after that. I just felt like telling them that if they can't be nice to me then I really don't want to stay. I know it sounds like I am just feeling sorry for myself, but I've had enough of them treating me this way. My 12 year old had another game at 9:00 this morning and I didn't go to it either. He called me afterwards and told me they won, were going out to eat, were going to cancel the pitching lessons on Sunday's and reschedule them for Monday's, and would play again this afternoon at 1:30. I am so hurt, all I could say was, "O.k., I really don't care, bye!" I then hung up and cried my eyes out like I am doing at this very moment.
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I don't thing you're just feeling sorry for yourself. These feelings are real, and you are very justified! Know that they are probably trying to show allegiance, especially if your ex is the "nasty talk" type - my parents were like that, always cutting each other down to us, putting us in the middle so we could never talk about the other - I'm 44 and my dad still does it - I cut him off at the pass - but I digress.
Anyway, I feel you have every right and reason to sit them down and talk to them. Let them know how it makes you feel and ask them why they do it. Keep in mind that they are also going thru the "independent" age where they can't be seen as too close to mommy. It's cool to be close to dad, but they don't want to be mommy's boys in others' eyes. I guarantee that you would be GREATLY missed if you didn't show up. But these are young men now, and they have to play it cool. Cool and rude are two different things, and you showing them how to treat their mother and any girl will be a great gift to them. Respect, even in anger is a key to relationships, any relationship. You deserve and should demand it.
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My 14 year old tells me I am just being dramatic and overly sensitive whenever I try to discuss this issue with them. Can you guess where he got that line from? It amazes me how their dad has been gone for over three years, but still has so much control over how they act. My eldest son is even degrading to my younger son and uses the same phrases his dad always did. I just don't know how to stop this programming.
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I would put in a no tolerance policy. I don't allow my son to say certain things. There is another member on this board who runs a tight ship, too - hope she doesn't mind my volunteering her info - blessedw6. She, too, doesn't allow certain ways of talking - calling another stupid and so on. Your house, your rules.
As for being overly sensitive, you can once again not tolerate - kids are NEVER to tell their parents that - they are testing you and pushing limits. My dh tries that trick with me and I tell him there is no such thing as overly sensitive - just overly insensitive!
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I would be very open with the kids and let them know how you feel. Tell them that you don't appreciate being treated this way especially since you really don't have to go to the games when they are with there dad. Tell them that you love and want to be with them and they should treat you with respect and dignity always. And on a side note this could be a faze that they are going through perhaps they will grow out of it. Good luck with this.
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Does their dad come to their games on the wknds you have them? It just seems weird that they would mind. I know my brother and his ex would both go to the kids baseball games after they were divorced and he said it was really awkward. Sorry they hurt your feelings.
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This is a weird situation. I am not trying to take away from how you feel....BUT....is this how they really feel...or is it how you feel about yourself, so you are assuming that they feel this way?? Are you reading too much into their actions and words??
My ex and I have always been at any games that we can get to. Even if all four of us are there (my dh and his wife). It may be awkward between the adults, but the kids don't see it or act on it. (at least I don't think so)
Maybe I am misreading your post....but it sounds like your son was calling to tell you what was going on so that maybe you could be there. He was filling you in.
I know it is hard to balance everything, and it is hard to be around your ex. I am not down playing that at all. I do wish you the best of luck with this situation.
I found it very hard to talk to my kids about anything, because I didn't want to put them in the middle. I just dealt (or tried to deal) with my feelings on my own. I don't know if that is the right answer either.
Keep your chin up!! Everything will be ok. Big
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I don't think I am reading too much into the situation. I don't think it is just my perception. It was their weekend at their dad's. The boy's games were at the high school and a park that backs up to the high school. So, I was walking back and forth trying to catch parts of both games. My 14 year old called me between his games to let me know his dad wasn't going to let him go home with one of his friends to eat lunch between games. I asked him if he had anything for lunch or any money to buy lunch at the concession stand and he said no. I turned and asked his dad if he had lunch for Hunter and he just stared at me and then said he had taken care of it. I told Hunter to call me back in 15 minutes if he didn't have anything to eat and I would walk over to give him some money. He didn't have his phone with him and so I walked over anyway to make sure he had food. His stepsister was working in the concession stand and when I got there Hunter was ordering from her. I went to give him money and he looked at me like he wished I would not have come and said stepsister was getting him something to eat. He then turned around and totally ignored me. I have always been the one that they come to for everything, and they never ask their dad for anything because they know he won't do anything for them. I just feel like I need to demand a little respect.
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I am happy to say as an update to my initial thread that eventhough my 12 year old son did not apologize for the way he had acted at the ballpark last weekend, he did bring me a flower he picked on the way home Monday and another one on Tuesday. I did explain to him why I was so upset and did not attend his games. He's not real good at apologies and I knew the meaning of his bringing me a flower for two days and putting them in a cup in the kitchen window above the sink. My older son who is still acting 14, actually introduced me to his girlfriend at the ballpark last night. I was SHOCKED AND SUPRISED AND PROUD!!!! I had not even heard her name until two nights ago when he asked me if he could take her out to eat Saturday after his games. You have no idea how this made me want to cry too!
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That is good to hear!! Thanks for the update!! I am glad that you feel better
Isn't it just so sweet when they do something like that??!!