Ask:
I ask this because my dh and I are quickly turning into the bank for his family. Let me explain. This is long...
Dh has 2 sisters, neither of which are very good with their money. Of course neither was dh until I got ahold of him
Sister #1 has no job and 3 children and is currently living with sister #2. Well Dh was kind and generous and paid her cable bill one month so it wouldn't get turned off. Dh watched it pretty regularly then (football season) and so he justified doing it. Fine okay. Then a few months later she pawned her rings to pay the same cable bill. I personally would have just let it (the cable) go but whatever. Well then when it comes time to get her rings out or lose them she of course has no money because she has no job. So she comes to dh and he bails her out. So he was keeping the rings until she paid us back but he ended up giving them to her after a little while. Well just this past week she made the comment that she was going to have to pawn her rings again to pay her cable...Noticing a pattern? At this point I am furious. Dh made a joking comment about how this time we would charge interest. So I was mad at dh too. When we got home I told him that in no way were we going to do that again. As far as I was concerned she could get her cable turned off or just lose the rings for all I cared! Of course dh said that he wasn't going to help her this time, he was just joking.
Then this weekend Sister #2 asked dh to borrow $300. Okay now this I wasn't as worried or upset about. She has a good job and has been having a hard time financially b/c of sister #2 and all the kids living in her house. They ran out of propane so have no hot water and can't cook so I understand her needing this. Plus she gets paid on Friday and promised to pay us back. Not that I think she will pay it all back but I know she will eventually pay us back everything. She didn't want to ask their parents for money b/c my MIL would make her crazy plus she is concerned about money now that my FIL is retired.
So I am just at a loss with dh's family. Now I understand helping sister #2 because I know if my sister needed money or anything I would drop everything to help her. Although my sister is younger than me and dh's sister's are both older than him by 10 years or more. Its just getting frustrating.
I mean we had the money to help and I'm glad we could but come on. We are having a baby in 7 months and I will be quitting my job then. We are trying to buy a house and pay off debt. We have plenty that our money could be doing for us, but its not. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for "listening".
Answer:
It is very difficult situation. You and DH need to sit down and talk. It seems when someone knows that a person will always bail them out then the decisions people will make will be different. You may want to say to her the next time ..... if you both agree we are able to let you borrow X but no more after this. And everytime after that you need to be willing to stand your ground. Be prepared to be called every name in the book. Also, you may want to offer help in other ways such as budgeting etc if you are able and willing.
Best of luck. What a horrible situation to be in.
Answer:
That's a tough situation. My sister has asked before for some money and we helped out once. We told her that we could only do this once and not to worry about paying us back. She hasn't again and I know she needs money to pay her taxes. I saw my in laws become a bank for my FIL's family. My in laws just moved and didn't tell his family where they moved to or what their new number was. They got so tired of being asked for money. I learned from them to say I love you but no. Good luck to you!
Answer:
Help those who help themselves. Sister #2 has a job and is charitable (letting Sister #1 + kids live with her). Sister #1 isn't helping herself or her kids if she has no job, is living off someone else AND has something that is a total luxury (cable) without money coming in. For me that would be a heck no for Sister #1.
Answer:
Sadly I totally understand this feeling with my fiance borrowing money to siblings and then not having enough himself and never having them pay him back.
I put my foot down, I told each one of them we will not be borrowing any money to anyone as they cant pay it back and we cant help them out anymore. I told him to say No, go ask me.
I know they have asked him quite a few times but he always relays the message, so far I have not been asked yet.
Answer:
It is not easy but it's best just to nip this in the bud. My mom and stepfather use to borrow small amounts of money from us all the time until the birth of our 3rd son. With formula and diaper prices we actually didn't have extra money for them to borrow and had to say no. That put an end to that. D.h.'s cousin would come over and always want to borrow money and would seriously take advantage of us. They would drive around and run out of gas but they'd have coffee from fast food restaurants but claim they didnt' have gas money. What's wrong with this picture? If they weren't being foolish driving all over the place then they would have gas for work the next day. Also what's more important gas or spending money on fast food coffee? They also use to borrow food all the time! They'd show up at our door step claiming they had no food for the kids. We had them over numerous times for supper and gave them food more times than I can count. This has come to a halt also. I guess they got tired of hearing the word NO!
Answer:
Thanks for all the input ladies. Yes dh and I have fully decided that we will not be bailing out sister #1 anymore. No matter what. We still do things for the girls (our neices) but only small things and only as something we want to do. Such as dh bought the youngest one a little tea set b/c she got her shot and didn't cry at all. But no more money for cable, or cigars, or anything else like that.
We will see how sister #2 does when she gets paid this Friday. I don't expect for her to pay us back all at once but I have faith she will make an effort at least.
We also loaned his FIL money to buy a small boat ($300) because he couldn't get all the money from his wife (MIL) at one time so he told her we went in half so she wouldn't freak out and now his dad is supposed to pay us back before long. I don't feel too bad about loaning his dad money as he helped us out financially when we were fixing up the house and we paid him back and they all know now how I am.
I have made it clear and dh is behind me that we will not be spending money on stupid things (like a boat) or loaning anyone money because of the baby. I talked with dh last night about being worried about losing my income and not having enough money so he said that we are going to be putting an end to unnecessary spending.
Thanks for letting me vent ladies. It helped to get it all out and organized before talking to dh or anyone else.
Answer:
I watched my father be the bank for his family my entire life. He helped out his mom from time to time with a little money for an electric bill or some for taxes or whatnot. But the reason he has to help her out is because she gives all her money to my dad's sister. My dad didn't want his mom to freeze or go hungry or have her house taken away, so he helped her out. But he was taken advantage of so many times, it was unbelievable. I know I don't know the half of it, but I do know of times where my Gma would borrow my parent's credit card to pay for a bill, and my mom would get the statement and find numerous charges from Godiva's chocolate for like $20 (what on God's green earth was my aunt thinking that she could charge $20 of CHOCOLATE to my parent's credit card?!?!) or other insane things like that. She'd use my grandma's electric bill money for gas to drive 1 hr away to deliver ONE JAR OF JAM and then not even get paid the FOUR DOLLARS for it. Then they'd drive the hour back, stop for lunch and shop at the goodwill on the way back... She knew that if something happened to her, she could borrow money from her mom and my dad would help grandma out without question. So she did it all the time. She has her own home-business selling preserves and vinegars, and the like, and she's so lazy it's unbelievable. A 50-year old woman who lived off her brother via her mom. Pathetic. It had gotten really bad (my dad was paying my grandma's taxes every year, etc) and I remember my mom getting irritated over it once a couple summers ago, but then my parents got into the car accident, and my dad is now confined to a wheelchair. They can barely pay their own bills, much less support my grandma and her 50 year old baby girl. My aunt even had the nerve to try asking about their(my mom/dad's) financial situation post-accident.. she was claiming to be concerned for them, but she was totally fishing to see if they had money to hand over to gma/her... it wasn't as if she could have helped out if they needed the $.. how can one person be so ignorant and think it's right/okay? I'm glad that my parents are no longer their bank. My dad provided for them for so long.. I don't know that they have any idea how to survive on their own. I will NOT EVER become that for anyone. I saw what it did to my family. I think it's good you're putting an end to it. Nothing like giving them an inch and having them take a mile. I think with your one SIL who works hard, it's a little different though. Sometimes hard-working people fall on hard times, and it probably was a blessing for you guys to be able to help. But I think with the baby coming, your immediate family has now taken precendence over assisting with others' hard times. Ending it here and now will also take away stress -- exactly what you DO NOT need while pregnant and trying to save for the baby.
Answer:
I am so sorry to hear what that did to your family. That's horrible. I am trying to keep this from turning into something like that.
I think dh now finally understands priorities. We also have to put money away because we have to pay our own taxes every year.