Ask:
OKAY!!! This is a HUGE question. I am a mother to my daughter and we have been on our own since she was born. We had to live in the ghettoest of ghetto with shootings all the time and I struggled big time. That entire time I managed to save. When my friends were spending their paychecks on clothes and eating out and blowing everything they had, I was saving to provide for me and my daughter. In the end we moved and started our lives up. Her dad wanted to work things out when she was one and a half. We lived together and were planning a wedding. He never knew about my savings or my money. He knew I obviously had saved, but that was none of his business. We basically lived as roommates. We would both pay half of everything. Long story short, things just didn't work out with him and I. He moved out and I was left to pay for everything again. Well then I met my fiance I am with now a few months later and him and I really hit it off. Now we are engaged and expecting a little one. He doesn't know about my savings accounts. I don't really think it is any of his business, either. The thing is, he is a spender. He never has struggled like my daughter and I have. With him- he spends what he gets. He doesn't save. Now I am really second thinking getting married. DON'T GET ME WRONG PLEASE.... I have never in my life based a relationship around money. I am just so confused on what to do. See he told me the second I got pregnant I could stay home. Now I am 7 weeks pregnant and he is telling me I can't because we can't afford it. Then he works for this painting company and only works here and there lately. I told him flat out that it isn't working that way and that he needs to get a different job. I wasn't trying to be mean, but here I work full time and I am pregnant with the worst morning sickness. My money is guaranteed money coming in as long as I go to work. He isn't even going to make the rent this month. He literally has no money he says. He tells me he knows that he needs to find another job, yet hmmmm do you see him out there hustling for a job? I don't think so. Hmmmm...... .
Then I just am tired of him relying on me to pay for everything if he can't. He is the one who talked to me about staying home. I told him we were going to have to rely on his money coming in and pay everything from that and act like my money was nothing. That is what we agreed upon and yet last month when rent came due I had to pay part of it because he only had about 75% of it.... So if I wasn't working then what would have happened??? I am just sooooo frustrated and irritated right now. I know it has been said that money is the number one cause of fights in couples, but he makes it a little difficult. With me being pregnant, I shouldn't be this stressed out.
Now I am sitting back thinking about everything. Should we really get married? Should we really plan on any of this? Back to the conversation of my money- sO if him and I get married, he is entitled to half of that. That is money I worked soooooooo hard to save. It wasn't the easiest thing ever. I struggled and lived in the worst of worsts, I swear to you. Imagine Vegas how big it is and the ghetto here is horrible!!! If I use that money as a down payment on a house, he is entitled to half the house if we get married???
Part of me kind of me is leaning more toward NOT getting married..... HELP ME!!!! I need lots of advice here. I am so confused and I am sitting at work and just.... grrrr! I was talking to my little sister about this and she TOTALLY sees my point of view and wouldn't marry him either....
Answer:
I can totally see where you are coming from. And you're right... you did work hard for that money! I'd be the same way!!! If you are second guessing the marriage... I would say put it off and think about it some more... yanno? No reason to rush into something you really arent sure about. Maybe tell him he's gonna have to get it together financially before yall get married and change his spending ways.. cause youre not going to start off the marriage with money problems... since thats one of the biggest fueds in most marriages!
Answer:
Ember, you took the words right out of my mouth! In your heart of hearts if you have ANY doubts..don't marry him...yet. There is no reason it can't be put off....If he can get it together and you're comfortable then, then go ahead and get married, but as Ember pointed out...fighting about money is NOT the way to start off a marriage. Mom always told me money and kids are the 2 biggest issues couples fight about...I think she was right...better to be on the same page first!
Answer:
I think waiting is a really good idea. Because honestly whats going to happen when you get married? Is he magically change? I doubt it. Best to figure things out now before you say I do....JMO
Answer:
I'm with you ...
I'd hold off on the wedding (and any more kids) until he steps up to the plate on the money issue.
As for your questions ...
Anything you bring into the marriage is yours and doesn't have to be split with him UNLESS you purposely mix it with his money. For instance, if you pay for the downpayment on a house then split shortly afterward, you would be entitled to get your portion of the investment back out of it, but so is he. He can say, "I've been making the mortgage payments with my salary and I made improvements to the home, yada yada." He gets a portion of his efforts, too. However, if you have a savings account and don't ever deposit a mixture of his and your money into it while you're married, then if you split, he can't touch it. BTW, if you inherit money and the inheritance says it goes to YOU (not you and hubby), then it is a separate asset, too. You just can't earn money, deposit it in a savings account and say "It is all my money". In a community property state, earned money is shared by the married couple.
My take is ... if you can't trust him enough to tell him about your debts OR savings accounts, then it isn't time to get married.
Answer:
i say you answered your own questions just by having doubts... i think you should wait and postpone getting married until you know in your heart of hearts that this will work and you will be happy...becuase once your married some states laws bind you to his bad habits. my sister had this problem in her divorce she was forced to file bk in order to legally seperate herself from her ex...so it can haunt you if there is a financial mess it is something to consider especially after you have worked so hard and made a better life for yourself and your daughter.
Answer:
I agree with everyone else. If your having doubts, then don't get married. Think about it for awhile and talk to him about finding better work. I would have everything worked out before you got married and start the marriage out on the same page. If he wants this to work then he needs to grow up and get a better job, so he can provide for his child. JMO
Answer:
I agree that if you are having doubts, then they are there for a reason. LIttle red flags go up when our brain understands more than our hearts sometimes. I'd wait like the other ladies said, too.
Answer:
I agree with other ladies. If you are having doubts you should postpone the wedding. It sounds like you have some issues that need to be worked out before you consider getting married.
Answer:
I too would hold off on the wedding. Make sure you talk to him about this and make sure that he knows you are serious about the way you feel. If things get better down the road then go ahead and marry him then.