Ask:
Ok heres my question what do you do when your kids dont want to go to their fathers anymore?.
My kids are 14,12,10 and they have decided for sometime now that they do not want to go over their fathers anymore because they dont get to spend quality time with him they spend most of their time with his girlfriend or at his golf store he owns and when they are there they have to work. They keep asking me to go to a judge to make it so they dont have to go. So heres my dilemma I dont ever want to be the one to seperate them or have it come back to me that I was the cause of them not being close. I have mentioned to their father that they feel this way and he said they need to deal with it because if if he did not work then they would not be able to live in the house they live in or have the clothes they have or play their sports like i dont contribute at all...uggh!!! he angers me..
I guess im at a loss on what to say to my kids when they bring this up.yes i have told them its their father and how would they feel if he did not want to see them but they just dont see the large picture.. anyways any advice would be greatly appreciated...
Answer:
This is a tough one. Because you don't want to MAKE them do things. But they NEED to have a happy healthy relationship with BOTH parents...especially when he wants to see them. Is there any chance at all of their Dad doing something fun??
When it is HIS time he can do whatever he wants, within reason of course, so if he wants to put them to work that is his choice...but that doesn't make it right.
Have the kids tried talking to him?? That is what I would suggest. Have the kids talk to him and tell him how they feel. They are old enough to do so.
I can't see a judge saying "oh you don't want to 'earn your keep' ok you don't have to go to your Dad's anymore".....not to sound harsh...but I just don't see that flying in front of a judge.....just because he has them work or spend time with his girlfriend....
Is it the girlfriend that they don't like????
Answer:
Thanks for your reply. I agree the kids need chores but they should not have to work at the shop all day. hes just to cheap to hire anyone so he uses the kids thats what angers me and thats why he does nothing with them I mean he has not even seen one of their soccer games for the last two years...
I need to stay strong and just keep telling my kids that it is their father and that the time will come when they dont need to go there anymore until then enjoy this time because after your done going there you probaly wont see him much just like your sb and ss.
Answer:
In most states once a child has reached the age of 13 they can make a choice to see or not see a non custodial parent. If your oldest is allowed to make this choice and the judge approves then it might give the other kids a chance to get out.
You can discuss this issue with a judge. Most states have laws about child labor and won't allow kids under a certain age to work at a job....even it is family owned. Children should not be made to earn their keep...they are not slaves or employees they are kids and their parents' responsibility.
ALSO FEDERAL LAW STATES
Minimum Age for Employment:
The minimum age for employment is 14 years old. There are some exceptions such as newspaper delivery; performing in radio, television, movie, or theatrical productions; and work for parents in their solely-owned nonfarm business (except in manufacturing or in hazardous jobs).
Hours of Employment:
14- and 15-year-olds may be employed outside of school hours for a maximum of 3 hours per day and 18 hours per week when school is in session and a maximum of 8 hours per day and 40 hours per week when school is not in session. This age group is prohibited from working before 7 a.m. and after 7 p.m., except during summers when they may work until 9 p.m. (from June 1 through Labor Day).
16- and 17-year olds may be employed for unlimited hours. There are no federal laws restricting the number of hours of work per day or per week.
Jen
Answer:
Maybe I misunderstood
I didn't think it sounded like a labor law issue. It didn't sound like "working" at a Golf Shop would be hard labor. I assumed that maybe they were just hanging out there while Dad worked...and he had them helping out with a few things...and they didn't want to even do that. Maybe I took the situation too lightly...and I didn't mean to come across that way.
If you think they are in a bad situation with their father, they by all means, do what you can to correct the situation.
I still say that the kids should try to have this conversation with him first and see where they get with that. Sometimes, "Fathers"/"men" won't listen to "hearsay" they need to hear it from the "horses mouth". And that I know from personal experience.
I would try to relate feelings to my ex all the time....and he just wouldn't believe me (them) unless he heard it from them. I would get even more upset that he put them in the middle....but at least they got their point across and things would change.
Just my opinion, obviously. You need to do what is right for you and your family.
Good luck!!
Answer:
It's alwys easier to say what you would do if it were you than it is to actually do it - but here is my take on it.
I think 13 is an acceptable age for a child to have a say in how much if any time is spent with a parent. I also think in your situation if all 4 kids feel the same way maybe they should all be heard by a judge and let him/her determine what is best. I don't agree with using them for cheap labor to earn their child support, it's wrong. I am not adverse to a child helping out around the house but a 10 yr old should not have to earn his keep while spending his entire "visitation" working in his dad's store.
Maybe if your ex knew he will be going to a hearing over this he might modify his plans when he has the kids. Hopefully he hasn't permanantly damaged his relationship with them. My ex did for other reasons, now that he is ready to be the dad they always wanted they have very little desire to see him or stay in touch.
Answer:
I'm all for requiring the kids to continue with their visitations. There does come a point when kids get old enough that having to go every weekend or every other weekend drastically interfers with their social lives. Sounds like your kids are getting to that age.
There is no rule that says the visitation schedule has to be on the weekends. Perhaps it is time to negotiate a new schedule - one that works around the golf shop (which understandably is busy on the weekend) and the kids' needs. No need to STOP visitation, just change it.
If dad is willing to change the schedule without a court order, all the better. However, if you try to talk to him and he is unwilling to co-operate, I'd open a petition for a modification to the visitation schedule with the court. The first step would be mediation and hopefully everything could be worked out there. That would probably be the second cheapest and easiest solution (the first solution being a change without a court order.)
Answer:
Have your kids talk to their father about how they are feeling.
I think about the day if and when my son does the same. But its his decision to do what he feels. But my son is only 6 1/2 and still enjoys seeing his dad.
But at your kids ages they are old enough to make up their own minds on how they feel.
Have you spoken with you ex about this?