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:furious:
I need some quick advice.
My ds is 7 and my dd is 3. I have been having a really hard time dealing with ds constantly hurting dd. Over the past month he has been out of control. He does not listen to me...I have tried everything. Time out, taking things away and stern talks have seemed to all fail. He has sprained her wrist, busted her bottom lip open throwing a toy in her face......today was the final act. My Dad was watching the kids in the pool today....my ds was just out of control, my Dad had to constantly be at him. When he was getting them out of the pool he took dd swim vest off ( she can't swim) and my Dad turned to get a towel and ds pushed her into the pool, the deep end!!!!!!
Thank God my dad was right there....ds tried to help her out right away as soon as he saw my Dad face.
Well now he is home and I threw him in his room to await his punishment. I told him he is grounded and when his dad gets home he is going to get it!
My question is should he get spanked? What else is there. I need to nip this behavior in the butt before something serious happens.
Help
Heather
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That is a difficult decision... there are so many strong opinions on this as I have read in a previous post about spanking. Some are totally against it for any reason, others see it as a last resort for severe behaviors. I am a believer of the latter, not all parenting methods work on all kids. I have only hit one of my 3 kids once and it was for a very serious offense that he had repeated for the 3rd time.
I think I would have spanked him or at least given him a good swat on the behind for pushing your DD in the deep end. That is very dangerous, I'm sure you know what could have happened.
I will probably get flamed for saying that but I believe if all the traditional and non physical methods of discipline are attemted and ignored you need to step it up.
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IMO this is very serious!! I would have spanked him there, because that is life threatening. I don't know but IMO I would look into him seeing a therapist or doctor to be evaluated. He seems to be showing a lot of agression towards his little sister, and some of it has been very dangerous. I wouldn't not wait any longer, and I would find out why this happening, so she doesn't get hurt any worse, but this is only my opinion & I do not mean to offend.
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Well...I don't advocate spanking, so I wouldn't personally recommend that...have you tried talking to your ped about him and going from there?
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I agree w/Stacey in getting him evaluated. You don't mention any diagnosis being done. I would call the ped immediately and get a referral to a developmental ped for observation. Are there any issues at school? This definitely is serious. Does he have reasons? Sometimes if I can get my son in a room and just start having conversations w/him, gently steering toward subjects, I'm amazed at how he thinks and what thoughts he has. Very non-threatening, just as "buddies" so he'll open up. But he's not aggressive. There's anger/hostility here, and whatever the reason, it needs to be addressed. He is allowed to be mad, but not allowed to show it this way - perhaps there's another way. DS told me once he was afraid he would hurt dd, which surprised me. Then, we started a thing where he would tell me every time he felt this way. We identified it as anxiety - we had used this when we started working w/a therapist, who told us this was common. He just had to identify his feelings so it could then be worked out of his body/mind in a more acceptable way.
But, yes, this is an issue - some kids just don't learn through punishments. I don't think spanking would work anyway, with a kid that responds to nothing else. It's also possible he doesn't have the empathy switch turned on, so he doesn't know how what he's doing feels - he only sees it makes her feel bad. Some children feel things differently.
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Thanks for your sharing your thoughts.
I would like to just add a little bit....
When these incidents occured....I can honestly say ds was not being aggressive towards her....like he was wanting to hurt her. If that was the case I would drive him to a phy. myself. He just gets carried away.....like he is just not thinking.....he justs acts. When he hurt her arm....we were shopping at Sam's. He was climbing up on stuff trying to pull her up and even when I yelled get down he just kept on doing his thing....my oldest dd went to get youngest dd down and Jacob would not let go and hurt her arm. Off to the ER...I thought it was broken. He was punished.
The lip thing was sorta the same way....they were playing around in the car....singing in plastic microphones having fun and then boom out of nowhere he knocks it in her face. He was then severly punished by DH for that one.
This pool thing.....I was not there....it was my Dad.I would have beat his butt right there. But it's like he thought it would be funny or something to just push her in. He wasn't angry....just not behaving or listening.
Well... when I talked to him about why he did these things ....I tried to get a reason for why he is doing these dangerous things to his sister.....he just says he doesn't know.
I didn't spank him...after him being in his room for about 3 hours....I sat with him and had a seroius talk with him. I explain to him why he can not be rough with his sister....how what he did in the pool could have killer her....I told him Mommy loves him but I am very disappointed with him. He know he is now grounded from any pool activities a long time, grounded from a lot of thing for a long time. I told him to do some serious thinking about how his actions can hurt others.
I wish DH could have been here before I had to put him to bed.
Heather
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Even if he does not do these things maliciously, I think I would still have him evaluated. Is he impulsive in other things? Does he have problems at school at all?
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It sounds like he gets so wound up he doesn't know when or how to quit. My son does this for sensory reasons - he has sensory disorder - I'm not saying yours does, but I can tell you some of ds' triggers: too much noise, excitement, needs to go to the bathroom, anxiety, hunger and thirst ( a big one ). He also does this when he's tired. Man, after dinner, if he's not in bed in time, I've lost him - he is just wild. Try touching his head gently for pressure - put gentle pressure on his shoulders and see if that helps him - it can also be a non-verbal sign to calm down - a reminder. We had ds count to 10 - kind of distracted him.
I hate to take a kid's fun away when they are having so much fun, but sometimes I do have to become stern - OK. That is enough. Go to your room. Our big phrase is, "Take it down." Your son could be completely normal, but needs to identify his body more when he is getting too wound up. HE needs to learn to identify it, but with your help at first and figure out what to do - give him choices - counting, singing to himself, sitting alone to decompress, etc. You can give him the tools to identify it and the tools to funnel the energy elsewhere, but his having the tools puts him in control, which is a big part of the solution and message; that it's in his control. My son used to say he couldn't control it. He has learned he can, which is big for him. He does need reminders when he gets to be too much, but he knows how to bring himself down.
Kids are tough, huh? Think we were any easier for our parents?
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Originally Posted by desertmom
It sounds like he gets so wound up he doesn't know when or how to quit. My son does this for sensory reasons - he has sensory disorder - I'm not saying yours does, but I can tell you some of ds' triggers: too much noise, excitement, needs to go to the bathroom, anxiety, hunger and thirst ( a big one ). He also does this when he's tired. Man, after dinner, if he's not in bed in time, I've lost him - he is just wild. Try touching his head gently for pressure - put gentle pressure on his shoulders and see if that helps him - it can also be a non-verbal sign to calm down - a reminder. We had ds count to 10 - kind of distracted him.
I hate to take a kid's fun away when they are having so much fun, but sometimes I do have to become stern - OK. That is enough. Go to your room. Our big phrase is, "Take it down." Your son could be completely normal, but needs to identify his body more when he is getting too wound up. HE needs to learn to identify it, but with your help at first and figure out what to do - give him choices - counting, singing to himself, sitting alone to decompress, etc. You can give him the tools to identify it and the tools to funnel the energy elsewhere, but his having the tools puts him in control, which is a big part of the solution and message; that it's in his control. My son used to say he couldn't control it. He has learned he can, which is big for him. He does need reminders when he gets to be too much, but he knows how to bring himself down.
Kids are tough, huh? Think we were any easier for our parents?
I think you are on to something.
When he was a toddler I did have him evaluate because he was not speaking. He was so fustrated that he would hit his head on the floor. He was not like my older dd....very unaffectionate. He did not want to be held and was just all over the place. They did lots of evaluations on him to rule out stuff through his 3 and 4's also. They basicly started a IEP plan with him for speach therapy, a couple hearing evals. They ruled out sensory being an issue. I had him tested again last when he was 6 because they wanted to hold him back in kindergarden. Again the therapists said he was just a little immiture, no ADD, no hearing or anything.....just speech. I had talked to they pediatrician about it and she told me to maybe see a phy. but I just didn't think he needed to at the time. I just decided to hold him back in school and see how it goes. This year he is right on target and doing great.
Anyway, I am going to try some of your suggestion and see if I get some positive result from it...thanks.
Heather
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If my older son pushed his brother in the pool he would get a spanking. That is life and death. My son sounds similar to yours and i don't think mine needs an evaluation. He needs to be reined in once in awhile with discipline. That can be a spanking, taking special things away (tv, computer and playdates) and not letting him hang out with friends.