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I've been keeping a close watch on my ds and his friend that exposed himself to ds. They are both 5.
To get the right picture I have to tell you about our backyard. It butts up with the neighbor's back yard (not this little boys) and in between are a few trees, etc. that we call the 'woods'. All the kids run from house to house playing.
Anyway, all the kids were at the little boy's house that we were having the problem with. There was a whole group of them, so I didn't have any problem with it and the little boy's mom was watching. So a few minutes later she comes over and tells me that this time her ds told her my ds 'told' him to show him his underwear (I'm not sure if it was more) and that he did. I told her I'd talk to ds. Now I have to say although when I sent him over there were a bunch of kids there, the other kids ran to another yard and the little boy and ds were alone.
I finally got it out of ds that he DID ask this boy! WTH? I tried not to overreact, but after all our talks about being appropriate, etc. this is still happening, now with MY ds doing the instigating! Ok I know it's innocent but this behaviour cannot continue!
So now what do I do? It's obvious that these two kids need to be watched at all times when they are around each other. I've never ever had a problem with any of the other kids. DS is outside a LOT, either in our backyard or at the neighbors. How sad is it to have to say, "go inside and watch tv" because I have things to do and cannot watch 24/7, especially since he doesn't have any problems with any of the other kids?
I was thinking of when this little boy comes over by himself that I just go out there for 15 minutes and then watch them like hawks and when I have to go in just get ds in until the little boy goes home and then send him out again in a few minutes if he wants to (he will). Then if he goes over there I'll have to accompany him and after a few minutes do the same thing. The other mom says she watches, but she has another child and again she cant' watch every second either.
Should I just separate them for awhile now instead? If he does come over again alone should I very casually mention to both boys Together that asking/showing is not appropriate and not OK? Is that too forward with the other kid without the mom being there? I think that might have a better resolution because both will be told 'together' but is that overstepping my boundary? Thanks, sorry this is so long
Answer:
This is a tough one. I agree with you that can be innocent - and fairly normal - behavior for young children. That doesn't mean that you should ignore it, either.
I'm sure you'll get lots of opinions, but I'll throw mine out. Since you told your child that the behavior was inappropriate and he continued to do it (by asking the child to see his underwear), then perhaps a time-out from his friend (or all friends? not sure on that one) would be the logical consequence. You gave him a rule and he chose to test his boundaries by breaking that rule. "You chose to continue to do what I have asked you not to do with Child #1, so you have chosen to stay in your own yard and play by yourself for x-number of days."
As far as the other mom goes, I was impressed to hear that she notified you about it. Does that mean that the two of you are on the same page with this? That would be great if that was the case.
To me, the issue isn't sexual in nature, as this can be normal exploratory behavior in young children. But that doesn't mean that it should be allowed to continue, either. I'm sure that doesn't make perfect sense, but that's my opinion.
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I agree 100% with the poster above
Answer:
Originally Posted by newlywed0610
This is a tough one. I agree with you that can be innocent - and fairly normal - behavior for young children. That doesn't mean that you should ignore it, either.
I'm sure you'll get lots of opinions, but I'll throw mine out. Since you told your child that the behavior was inappropriate and he continued to do it (by asking the child to see his underwear), then perhaps a time-out from his friend (or all friends? not sure on that one) would be the logical consequence. You gave him a rule and he chose to test his boundaries by breaking that rule. "You chose to continue to do what I have asked you not to do with Child #1, so you have chosen to stay in your own yard and play by yourself for x-number of days."
As far as the other mom goes, I was impressed to hear that she notified you about it. Does that mean that the two of you are on the same page with this? That would be great if that was the case.
To me, the issue isn't sexual in nature, as this can be normal exploratory behavior in young children. But that doesn't mean that it should be allowed to continue, either. I'm sure that doesn't make perfect sense, but that's my opinion.
ITA, that's better than what I was going to post.
allgirls
Answer:
Originally Posted by newlywed0610
This is a tough one. I agree with you that can be innocent - and fairly normal - behavior for young children. That doesn't mean that you should ignore it, either.
I'm sure you'll get lots of opinions, but I'll throw mine out. Since you told your child that the behavior was inappropriate and he continued to do it (by asking the child to see his underwear), then perhaps a time-out from his friend (or all friends? not sure on that one) would be the logical consequence. You gave him a rule and he chose to test his boundaries by breaking that rule. "You chose to continue to do what I have asked you not to do with Child #1, so you have chosen to stay in your own yard and play by yourself for x-number of days."
As far as the other mom goes, I was impressed to hear that she notified you about it. Does that mean that the two of you are on the same page with this? That would be great if that was the case.
To me, the issue isn't sexual in nature, as this can be normal exploratory behavior in young children. But that doesn't mean that it should be allowed to continue, either. I'm sure that doesn't make perfect sense, but that's my opinion.
ITA...great post!
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Yep to the above. Kids this age go thru phases where they are obsessed w/what is supposed to be private - they are still trying to figure out why...my son is still making potty and underwear jokes. Because it's private, it's "naughty" and funny! It's also possible he is comparing his own underwear to see what else is out there - they always want what others have (that never leaves men, does it - comparing and wanting). I truly wouldn't worry about it. I would just calmly state the rules without giving him guilt. Underwear is private and we never ask others to show it....Now saying that and being inside my son's head, I could see him asking, "If it's private, then why do we see it in the men's room, which isn't all private." The world is a funny place.
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I do think it's time to separate the two boys for awhile. I know it's hard when there are all these other kids outside playing and what are you going to do? Say your ds can't join them or if the other boy comes and plays, then suddenly your ds had to go home? I'm going through the same issue with my dd and another little girl. So far, what I've been doing is being around them at all times when they are playing together. Whenever the little girl comes out, I go out and I tell the kids they have to stay by me. it sucks, but it's the only thing I can think of for now.
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I agree with newlywed. I don't think you want to make TOO big a deal out of it or it will all of a sudden be more enticing to him. I think you should just deal with it the same way you would any OTHER misbehavior. Whoops...you knew the rule and broke it, so no playing outside for X number of days. Next time you're showing underwear/privates with each other the punishment will be a wk. Then drop it.