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When my SS came home last night he was carrying a grocery sack. In it was shaving cream, razors, and acne pads. I didn't say anything but wondered why he brought this with him. I bought him acne pads a few months ago and they are just sitting in the medicine cabinet unopened. We talked about shaving (he is 15 - a sophomore in hs) and his dad told him not to rush it because once you start, it is a daily thing for the rest of your life. He is a very blonde haired boy with no facial hair yet.
So, today I asked him about it all. He told me he forgot that I had bought the face pads and he admitted to bagging on me and making me look bad to his mom. She already hates me and thikns I'm a B*@!h. Laughing he said, "I guess I should tell my mom you had bought them for me". He claims that the ROTC sargent MADE him shave above his lip and near his sideburns. I think it is a bit much since he had nothing there to begin with. I think his stepdad being a former marine told him he better shave if he wants to "be a marine".
Our bedtime for him is 10PM and his mom reluctantly agreed last year to help with concistancy. Well, he just spent two weeks at her house and he came back disrespectful to me because she is letting him stay up until 10:30 PM.
Just 2 years 9 months left of this! I am so worn out on being his stepmom. I can NEVER do good enough
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I sooo feel your pain. At least you only have 2 years 9 months left. I have 10 years and 1 month!!!
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I'm sorry you're going through this. Looks like he's testing you - especially on the bedtime thing. No advice, just keep a stiff (shaved) upper lip. Wonder if an electric shaver would be kinder to him?
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Foolish Boy!!!!!!!!!Doesn't he know how lucky he is to have a cheesecake makin' Step Mom?. I wonder if alot of this is adolescent boy behavior for pushing your buttons. Much like small children, if you give him a rection, he'll just do it more. My sister ran across this with her son. this desrepect especially. She decided to treat him the same way he treated her, not cooking for him, doing his laundry and such. He got the point and they had it out. I have no idea how it is to raise a step son, so maybe I'm way off base. But good luck and Never let his see you sweat or shave.
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I don't think it's fair to ask a 15 year old whose parents are divorced and a new (no matter how long you've been together, you will always be new to him) woman is assuming the role of his caregiver to know how to BE a stepson. Try taking a few steps in his shoes. I have 2 step daughters, one is 15 and one is 13. There are so many times when they are moody as hell, and I assume I know what's going on in their heads, but in actuality, it's speculation. The little one has been very bitchy to everyone, including her mom, but excluding me. I tell my husband that I think it's puberty and some mixed emotions about the way her mom treats her. But when she broke down and told my husband that she really misses when her parents were together and feels it was her fault - it was something neither of us could have guessed.
Believe it or not, he's not a kniving adult. He's a little boy transitioning into an independent person. He's experienced something that probably bothers him. He does not feel connected to you. He feels he's betraying his mother in liking you. Your husband, you, he and his mom need to put your heads together. What do you want your role to be with him? What does he want you to be to him? These are things that should be addressed, not the superficiality of how his mom feels about you, or why he felt uncomfortable casting you in a nice light to her.
I have been with my girls since they were 9 and 7. We have shared custody. We get along because I never tried to be their mother. I have been someone who they know takes care of them, someone they can talk to, someone who is unlike either of their parents. I directly told them that I am not trying to be their mother. I told them they can talk to me about anything. I will even stand by their side if they have something uncomfortable to say to either of their parents. I will roll out of bed at midnight some night to pick them up from a party because their friend with the car got plastered, and I won't be mad at them. They know they can rely on me. They know they can talk to me about their mom - good things about her, because my interest is in having strong, well-rounded girls who don't fear making people upset. We do things together that bring us closer. And it's not perfect, but it works for us. You need to find what works for you - not coast through the next 2 years waiting until he's finally gone. You might think that's the easy way, but it's not.
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Originally Posted by cru5h
I don't think it's fair to ask a 15 year old whose parents are divorced and a new (no matter how long you've been together, you will always be new to him No, after 13 years, I am not NEW!!!) woman is assuming the role of his caregiver to know how to BE a stepson. Not sure your message you are trying to send me on this one. It is not a normal thing on how to "Be" a step anything!Try taking a few steps in his shoes. I have 2 step daughters, one is 15 and one is 13. There are so many times when they are moody as hell, and I assume I know what's going on in their heads, but in actuality, it's speculation. The little one has been very bitchy to everyone, including her mom, but excluding me. I tell my husband that I think it's puberty and some mixed emotions about the way her mom treats her. But when she broke down and told my husband that she really misses when her parents were together and feels it was her fault - it was something neither of us could have guessed. I understand adolecents and I understand there is always an extra factor behind most of what his mother does putting him in the middle of situations. I do not need to walk in his shoes - I am not a child I am a parental figure, not his best friend.
Believe it or not, he's not a kniving adult. He's a little boy transitioning into an independent person. He is a typical teenager that needs to show respect to his elders! He is kniving and lies to get around getting in trouble. He's experienced something that probably bothers him. He does not feel connected to you. He feels he's betraying his mother in liking you. Ya think? That is the way it should be, but he does not need to be disrespectful! Your husband, you, he and his mom need to put your heads together. What do you want your role to be with him? What does he want you to be to him? These are things that should be addressed, not the superficiality of how his mom feels about you, or why he felt uncomfortable casting you in a nice light to her. You have NO IDEA about the dynamics of my family or his, so please do not tell us what we should do!!! Many of the ladies on this DB have gone through HELL and back with me in this relationship. I appreciate that you have a good working relationship with your SDs and for the most part, I too get along well with my SS. But please do not assume you know my situation becuase something works for you.
I have been with my girls since they were 9 and 7. We have shared custody. I have been in his life since he was two. We have full custody with shared weekend visitation and holidays. We recently offeredd his mother more time on a trial basis because my SS asked and she is now in a position to responsibly do it. We get along because I never tried to be their mother. I have been someone who they know takes care of them, someone they can talk to, someone who is unlike either of their parents. DITTO I directly told them that I am not trying to be their mother. Double Ditto !! I told them they can talk to me about anything. Ditto. I will even stand by their side if they have something uncomfortable to say to either of their parents. I will roll out of bed at midnight some night to pick them up from a party because their friend with the car got plastered, and I won't be mad at them. They know they can rely on me. For the most part we have the same understanding, however he knows I am a parent first not his best friend! They know they can talk to me about their mom - good things about her, because my interest is in having strong, well-rounded girls who don't fear making people upset. We tell him he can share anything and everything he does or says with us to his mom, unlike her - he is not allowed to tell us anything he does or talks about while he is with her to us. We don't want him to have to question or hide if he says something when he wasn't supposed to. That is too much pressure on him. Besides, it is his life and we would hope she would take an interest in him and it to want to discuss it with him. We do things together that bring us closer. And it's not perfect, but it works for us. You need to find what works for you - not coast through the next 2 years waiting until he's finally gone. You might think that's the easy way, but it's not. I never said I was coasting - my role is far from that!!! My life will get much easier when he is a legal adult and can make decisions on his own that his parents make for him now. He will be able to go about his life with his families and deal with his decisions and the aftermath. We will not have to pussyfoot around because we are affraid of what she might say or do to my SS as a reprecusion.
I sent you a PM before I responded here. I hope this clears up any misunderstanding you might have of me and my situation as a stepparent.
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Originally Posted by JoeNKatesMom
Foolish Boy!!!!!!!!!Doesn't he know how lucky he is to have a cheesecake makin' Step Mom?. I wonder if alot of this is adolescent boy behavior for pushing your buttons. Much like small children, if you give him a rection, he'll just do it more. My sister ran across this with her son. this desrepect especially. She decided to treat him the same way he treated her, not cooking for him, doing his laundry and such. He got the point and they had it out. I have no idea how it is to raise a step son, so maybe I'm way off base. But good luck and Never let his see you sweat or shave.
I think some of it is adolescence. My DH trys not to give him a reaction, but sometimes it is hard not to, especially if it is a behavior I don't want my younger boys to pick up on, KWIM?
He does his own laundry (when he wants and decides his clothes do smell) now. He is also in charge of doing it when he is at his mom's. I still cook for him, but he is in charge of making his own lunch - generally he doesn't, but we won't give him lunch money since we are providing the food to make one. He will eat when he gets home from school.
It is not so much how to raise a stepson. I treat him like I do my other boys. They all have the same rules, just on a different scale since the ages are different. Disrespect is something I won't tollerate from any of them.
The shaving thing just got to me because his mom bought him the stuff when I felt like that should have been a dad moment. His dad had the conversation with him and he agreed. I figured he would because unfortunately he is extremely lazy! His personal hygeine is horrible and this is just one more thing to add into the mix.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
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I'm not reading your response, I responded to you in PM. And...it's quite obvious I've hit a sensitive spot for you. Take care.