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Last night started out like any other night. DH got home, we ate dinner. Then it all went down hill. I really don't remember what was said that started it, just that Aidan was crying and the angrier/louder L's voice got, the more and louder he cried. I kept trying to calm him, but it wasn't working.
L said that he was tired of the whole thing, living here, being married, etc, etc. I told him he knew what to do about it if that was the way he felt. As he usually does, he had to throw it at me for not working. Kind of hard to do with NO VEHICLE. It was the same old money issue, just like it always is. He likes to throw things from my past in my face, yet if I do it to him, I'm the bad person. He also said that "everyone had kept telling him to stay together for the baby". When I asked him who had said that, he wouldn't say. He also made it sound like it was quite awhile ago when anything had been said, but if he brought it up, that tells me he's been thinking about this for sometime now.
Eventually, Aidan calmed down and went to sleep, HE went to bed without saying a word, and I took a bath and cried. Then I came in and wrote him a letter. I placed it in an envelope and put it in his lunchbox. He'll see it when he gets ready to eat. Will it make him mad? Probably. I really don't know.
This is the letter I wrote:
Lester,
I want you to go hunting this weekend. You have a decision to make and I think maybe being in the silence of the deer woods with no one around will help you to make it. You can go after you get home from work, or after Aidan’s party, whichever you choose. I’ll have your stuff washed and packed and ready to go. But I really think you need to go and I want you to go.
You want me to talk to you, but what am I supposed to talk about? Like you said this evening, you don’t like the things I like and I don’t like the things you like. We’ve both changed over the last 7 years. Like you said, I’m not the same woman you fell in love with or the same woman you married.
You seem to think that I just sit around playing with Aidan all day and watching tv or being on the computer and that’s not what goes on here. Not at all. I’m up and going from the time I get up till the time I go to bed. If I’m on the computer, I’m looking at ads for jobs and sending out resume’s. That’s how most companies do the application process now, by email. And I’m only doing that before Aidan gets up in the mornings, or when he’s taking a nap. I’m also picking up and putting away, although he comes along right behind me and tears it all down again, feeding him, changing him, trying to figure out why all of the sudden he’s crying and fussy. Tending to his every little need. 24 hours a day. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, be it once or three times, I have to get up and tend to him. Not only because I’m the one who hears him, but because I know it would be hard for you to get up and go to work if you had to be up and down all night. There are days I get frustrated, being here all the time. You throw it in my face that I haven’t worked in 2 years, but if I were to bring up stuff from when you weren’t working and why, I’d be the bad person. You want me to find a job, I want to find one, and I’m looking, but nothing is happening. I don’t know what else you want me to do.
You said that Aidan means the world to you, I used to. I guess I don’t anymore, and that’s ok, I can live with that. I just need to know whatever your decision is, so I can make the necessary arrangements. If you do decide that you’re done and to leave, you don’t need to worry about Aidan having a roof over his head and food on the table. I would never let anything put him in jeopardy.
I do love you, Lester, although you may not think so. Maybe we’ve just drifted too far apart to make our way back to each other. I don’t know when it was that you talked to someone about leaving, and I don’t know who told you to “stay together for the baby”, but if it was a while ago, it must have been just after he was born. And that tells me that you’ve been thinking about this for some time now. You brought up the no sex issue. I guess you think I don’t think about it, at all. Also not true. I’m just so damned tired at night that it’s hard to even think about doing anything.
I guess maybe no matter what I say, you’re going to believe and think what you want. So, just let me know when you’ve made your decision. In the meantime, we’ll have Aidan’s birthday party and I’ll put on the happy face and wait for you to let me know.
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Your letter is written very well. The only reason it may make him mad is that you sound very calm about the whole matter. You did very well not being mean or saying hurtful things.
I really hope things work out for you. I know how hard it is to be in a rocky marriage. I will pray for you.
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Alicia, I'm so sad and sorry for what you are going through. I know EXACTLY what is going on and what you feel - my own postings have paralleled yours. You can go from the high of Aidan walking one day, then he walks in the door and dashes your hopes and good mood. I'm so sorry. Think about what YOU want. Why don't men get it...being a mommy is MORE than a full time job. 24/7! We never get to punch out, take a lunch break, get commute time to ourselves. We can't stop in a store ALONE on the way home from work, go to the bathroom ALONE. We are always on our toes at the beck and call of a little one who is about to go off any second and needs us NOW! He needs to stay home with the baby for one whole day. He also needs a list of things that must get done, and MUST be done correctly. If he isn't making enough, then he needs to make a plan on how to make the future better. Your money problems are not because you don't work. You do work, and daycare costs, along with other involved costs, probably won't make going back to work worth it. This is not your fault. You are a working mom. What does he do when he comes home? I'll bet he's never up during the night, even on weekends. I don't think he's the only one who needs to think things through. Poor little Aidan. Kids sense things. I know. My dh has a habit of raising his voice. My dd cries - she's 14 months, and my 6 yr old son, who has sensory issues, screams. Yet, despite promises, he keeps raising his voice and picking fights. If money were no issue, I believe I would choose single motherhood. However, we can't afford to pay for two households. He says he loves me, but he doesn't show it. He is missing a sensitivity chip, as Jennifer Aniston said about Brad Pitt. Looks don't cut it in the long run.
I hope this works out for you and he gets the bug out of his bu*t. I hope you get to cuddle little Aidan every day and be the mommy he deserves. Has he answered how you're supposed to work without a car? Has he answered how Aidan will be raised? Wouldn't he rather have him raised by you? He needs to stop blaming you for his guilt and start making steps. My dh delivered pizzas when he needed to, even though he has an "executive" job. You have to do what you have to do. Lord knows, you're doing what you have to. Ooops. Baby just woke up. 5am wakeupcall. gotta go!
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Thank you both for your words.
Jodi - I didn't want to sound mean in the letter. I just figured it was the best way to respond to what he'd said. I didn't say a whole lot during the argument, because he never seems to want to hear what I have to say anyway and Aidan was upset enough by his father yelling, I didn't want to add to it for him.
Desertmom - No, he didn't answer me as to how I'm supposed to work without a car. I guess he thinks because my mom lives close I could use hers. NOT. She has already said so. If I were to be working, she babysits Aidan, but I still have to pay her. Granted it's not as much as what public daycare would cost, but she still deserves to be paid! He stated one time after Aidan was born that "the only way you can go back to work is if your mom will babysit, I won't have Aidan in public daycare", but when it comes time to pay her for watching him, he fusses! She only charges $75 a week! And no, he's never up in the middle of the night. Has NEVER gotten up to take care of Aidan. In fact, one night not too long ago, I must have just been exhausted because Aidan was crying and I didn't hear him, but HE did, and woke me up so I could go take care of Aidan. He said last night that the only time I'm happy is when I'm "blowing money on myself". EXCUSE ME? When was the last time I blew any money on myself???? HE was the one who had to buy hunting stuff the other night to the tune of $237!! Then he expects ME to take it back since we're broke! NOT HAPPENING. He bought it, he can take it back. He likes to throw the "sell my hunting and fishing stuff" card in too. Oh, and I found out that FOUR months ago, he agreed to pay $300 for a gun that he was buying from a friend of his. I didn't know this till last night, but I'm the one who makes decisions that affect all of us without discussing it with him
I don't really know what he'll decide to do, but I know that I'm not going to continue to live like this anymore. Walking on eggshells, never knowing what's going to set him off. I watched my mom go through that for 9 years, and I've said it over and over, I would NEVER go through that again. I'd rather be alone than miserable in a marriage.
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Alicia,
I can feel your heartbreak, your hopes and your fears in your letter. I think you did the right thing by giving to him and you couldn't have worded it better. You are a very strong lady, probably even stronger than you realise. I hope he takes the time to think things over. You shouldn't have to live day to day not knowing what your future is or even not knowing if you are going to be able to have a peaceful evening. I really proud of you for taking this step, it was a big one and a really hard one. Big hugs. I'm hear for you if you ever need a shoulder. Prayers to you for strength and happier days.
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I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.
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How did the bday party go? Did your dh go hunting? Have you had any response to your letter? Let us know how you are doing. I hope all is well. (((((((Big ))))))
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Me, too. Hope you are okay.
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Thank you all for caring so much! I really appreciate it.
DH got home Friday evening, I was working on the cakes, I made a little one just for Aidan and a big one for everyone else. He came in seemingly in a good mood. I just acted "normal", fixed supper, we had leftover sloppy joes, since it was easy and I'd been busy all day. Later in the evening, I was coming in the kitchen from the living room and he wanted a kiss. I just looked at him and he caught my hand and pulled me down on his lap. He said "I'm not going anywhere, I just get frustrated. I know we'll make it, we always do". I told him that being here 24 hours a day, many times with no vehicle is NOT all cherries and bonbons and if he thinks it is, we can trade places". So...that's where things are with that.
He didn't go hunting, he wanted to stay home and spend time with us. The party went well, although his family showed up over an hour BEFORE we were to start. After they'd left, my mom, grandma and mom's boss, who considers Aidan her 11th grandchild were the only ones left and he said "that was too many of my family at one time in this little house". We all cracked up laughing.
Mom helped me get the mess cleaned up, then she and Grandma left, I had to go get Duke, our dog from her house. DH was going to watch Aidan, but Aidan wasn't having any of that, so I took him with me. Mom had a couple of errands to run, so we did that, dropped her off, picked up Duke and came home. Aidan fell asleep in the car, so I put him to bed. We just sat and watched tv and visited for the rest of the evening. Then Sunday morning, he actually took care of Aidan and let me sleep in!
My mom said maybe I should communicate with a letter more often. LOL
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One step at a time...this didn't happen overnight, so there will be no fixing it overnight. Big hugs to you..and many prayers, too.