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I've been working my butt off (well, it's not disappearing, but that's a different post) trying to get my son the therapy and accommodations he needs now, in first grade. I have him in outside therapy, and speech therapy, reading, focusing, and OT right now, and am looking into putting him into physical therapy. Keep in mind, these are spaced apart, and not every day, so it's not a stressful schedule for him.
Anyway, I was speaking with my therapist and she was talking about all I was doing to provide him with what he needs. I said something about trying to give him the tools now, letting him use a resource teacher, etc. and therapies so hopefully he can be more in the mainstream as he gets older. It's easier to be in resources and therapy, socially, when you are in first grade, than when you are in fifth grade and up.
She really brought me down to earth when she made a comment that he may always lag behind and need some resource help. This, after a week before, saying that if he was autistic, that it was mild, and his Aspergers wasn't really bad. She had said he was a very bright and sweet child and was very adaptable and workable. I felt my hopes for him dashed. I don't want him to feel "different". I think he already does.
She also mentioned that he had anxieties. Between challenges here at home and the teasing at school, it's not surprising. I'm anxious, and have always been, due to abuse as a child and simple chemical factors. My husband can be very anxiety-inducing, too. Sometimes I feel so guilty for bringing a child into this world that I shared my genes with, and my husband's. Then I see what better life we give him than we had. It's so interesting watching the differences in my little daughter. My son never liked shape sorters, didn't really dance, hated balls, and other "normal" things babies liked. It's so interesting to see the differences. My son would sit and play with one toy for so long, whereas my daughter flits from thing to thing and puts balls in the correct places. I so wonder if she will be neurotypical. She so adores her sweet, smart, older brother. She is his perfect audience when he goes off on his goofy tangents. They are soooo good for each other!
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How do we find out about respite? I so need help around home and time off.
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I wonder sometimes too, if Lily will always have troubles motor-wise, if she'll always have to wear her orthotics (the inserts in her shoes, which she should be receiving on Friday), if she'll get teased in school, etc. The concern was worse back when she had hearing aids (which is a whole 'nother story), but it's still there.
I also feel so bad about all the anxieties and behavior issues my oldest dd has. Somedays I feel like the most horrible parent when I see how terribly she handles stress or adveristy, and I wonder what on earth I have done wrong to have a child who lashes out when things don't go her way.
No matter the child, no matter the situation, I think we'll always question ourselves, but the point is, to feel like you've done the best you could with your circumstances.
Carol, you are a good mom! You have 2 sweet, smart children, and you are doing all you can for them.
As far as respite care goes, I'd contact your county to find out what kinds of services Jarron qualifies for. That's how we get our services, which I haven't even been taking advantage of because it's so nice not having extra people in my house (Lily had homecare nurses for 18 months)! Good luck!!
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From a mom who doesn't have a child receiving therapy, know that these types of questions will always be there for a parent that cares!! My oldest is 17, and I worry myself sick because her grades are only so-so...what is she going to do in college? What is she going to be? Can she make it in the real world come May when she graduates? It is just part of being a good mommy to worry about your children! They are what they are, though, and it takes each and every single one of us to make the world go round. There are NO accidents when it comes to the birth of a child...suprise, yes, but God planned each and every one...just the way they are.
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Oh Carol,
I am so sorry and wish I could give you a big hug!!! I know my friend, I know. We sometimes think that with all the good works we are doing our children are going to be ok, but then it takes a person that is outside of our immediate world to remind us that they will always have austim, aspergers, etc. It hurts! We try so hard and yet the truth is what we must come to terms with.
Never feel that maybe you should have had your son. Carol, life is all a risk, how do we know what we are going to get? You don't. I don't think any parent ever says wow, I wish I have a child with aspergers so my life will be hard forever. No, we wish for a healthy and happy child and then we do our best with what we get. There are no garantees in life and we don't get to pick. It sucks!!!! I wonder why us? What the heck was God thinking? I am not the person who can do this, but yet we all try very hard because we love them so much. You have two wonderful and very different children. I don't know why God does this or why us? If you can tell me I would love to know. My friend it is so hard, so very hard and I am sorry we all have this life to live but it is what we will do because we are the mom's of these special kids.
As for respite it is state program. Are you on a waiver? Will the insurance pay to help to keep your sanity? Or even just get a babysitter to be around while you get done house things. I have high school girls who come over and get credit for working with hunter in the morning. It saves my life.
Carol, I hope this has helped but I just wonder the same things you do. Why Hunter, Why me? Does God just have a really bad sense of humor? I wonder if we all are the same?
I noticed that all mom's of special needs kids seem to have this exhausted but wired look in their eyes.
Wishing you only good thing, April